


Who You Are Is Who You Should Be

by Bluejay_IX



Category: Hogan's Heroes
Genre: Description of Anti-Semitism, Explicit Sexual Content, Graphic Description of Sexual Intercourse, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2019-09-27 21:03:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 41,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17169353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluejay_IX/pseuds/Bluejay_IX
Summary: Hogan gets transferred to the RAF - and is confronted by a side of him he thought long since buried. And everything get's even more complicated when he is approached to start a sabotage group in the middle of Germany.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is my first story here on AO3, and it's the first with explicit slash. I always wanted to write such a story, and now it's finally the right time for it. If you don't like reading those kind of stories, please don't give me any crap for writing them. Just don't read it!  
> Anyways, there won't be any slash right from the beginning; it will emerge. So you could view it as a Gen-story with chapters of explicit slash.  
> I will also write about Anti-Semitism, and the personal experience of such. So the story won't be easy-going all the time. If your a sensitive character and can't handle description of violence/racism, then you should also be careful with this story.  
> But enough notes, enjoy the story!

As he stepped out of the plane and onto the tarmac, his duffel bag hanging over his shoulder, Hogan squinted his eyes shut upon the setting sun that was blinding him. Even though there was a light rain, typically for England in April, the sun was shining dominantly onto Hogan’s white skin. His thick black hair was shining in the sun as he looked around for the person he was supposed to meet. Three days ago, his CO, General McNeil, had told him that the RAF requested for help, and that he had decided to sent Hogan as part of the help. Hogan had no objections, and now he found himself standing on the tarmac of RAF Martlesham Heath in Suffolk.

A voice calling, “Colonel Hogan!” took him out of his thoughts. Hogan turned around and saw a young man running towards him; presumably a flying officer, judging from the stripes on his sleeves.

“That’s me,” Hogan said, returning the salute the other man gave him when he had arrived next to him.

“I’m Flying Officer Ryan. Air Commodore Bennett wants me to welcome you and bring you to him.”

“Well, then I think we shouldn’t let him wait any longer,” Hogan announced.

Ryan nodded and said, “Follow me, Sir.”

With swift steps, the young flying officer took off in the direction of a big building south of the tarmac. While Hogan tried to follow him as best as possible, he looked around to take in his surroundings. There was a building east of the tarmac that looked like the workshop, and west of it seemed to be at least part of soldiers’ quarters. There were a lot of barracks and buildings north of the tarmac, but Hogan had no idea what kind of buildings they were. 

As he reached the big building that he presumed hosted the offices of the commanding officers, Flying Officer Ryan held the door for him open and informed him, “Air Commodore Bennett’s office is on the second floor.”

They walked through multiple hallways and staircases until they reached the office of Bennett’s secretary. Ryan took his hat off and went over to the lady behind the desk. “Is the Air Commodore free? I have Colonel Hogan from the United States Army Air Force with me.”

“You can go in,” the lady answered and went back to typing on the typewriter.

Ryan turned to Hogan and motioned with his hand to follow him, then he walked to the door and knocked on it. “Come in!” rang a voice from the other side of the door and Ryan slowly opened it. “Air Commodore, Colonel Hogan is here.”

“Bring him in, bring him in,” answered Bennett while rising to his feet.

Ryan opened the door completely and Hogan entered. As the young flying officer left the room, closing the door behind him, Hogan walked up to the desk and gave Bennett a salute. “Colonel Robert Hogan, Sir. United States Army Air Force.”

“Air Commodore Bennett.” He pointed to the chair next to Hogan and said, “Please, sit down.” The two man sank into their chairs and Bennett began to explain, “I am so grateful that you and your commanding officer agreed to the transfer. We are on our last legs here. Though the Blitz seems to be over, we still have lost a great number of good pilots and are generally not enough to be able to fight the German air superiority.”

“Nothing to thank me for, Air Commodore,” said Hogan. “We all have to give our best and work together to fight the Nazis. And just because my government has decided to watch you guys from the side lines doesn’t mean I have to.”

“I’m happy to hear that,” Bennet answered. “RAF Martlesham Heath is located near Woodbridge, Suffolk. It’s one of the furthest western located airfields in all of England. We host multiple RAF fighter and bomber squadrons as well as the No. 71 Eagle Squadron.”

“Eagle Squadron?” Hogan raised an eyebrow. “That’s a fighter squadron, isn’t it?” Bennett nodded and Hogan said, “I’m sorry, but I’m a bomber commander. The last time I flew in a fighter plane was in my training.”

“Don’t worry, Colonel Hogan; you won’t be part of the Eagle Squadron. You will be the new commander of the No. 7 Squadron RAF, a British bomber squadron,” Bennet stated. He looked at his watch and announced, “Flying Officer Ryan will soon be here with your new second-in-command. He is part of the Eagle Squadron and does not yet know of his luck. You’ll also be sharing a room with him if that’s alright.”

“Sure,” Hogan replied. “If he is part of the Eagle Squadron, he must be an American, right?”

“Yes, his name is Captain Charlie Stewart. Excellent pilot with years of experience. He’s part of the British outfit since the UK declared war with Germany; even before the American units even existed. But everything else you want to know about him, you can ask him personally.”

Before Hogan had the chance to answer, a knock on the door rang through the room.

~HHHHHHH~

Right after he had brought Hogan to Bennett, Ryan left to fetch Charlie, a good friend of his. He had absolutely no idea why Bennett wanted to talk to Charlie and the American colonel at the same time, but it was not Ryan’s place to ask; he simply followed orders. Luckily, at this time of day, there was only one place Charlie could be. Every evening after dinner, if there was no attack by the Germans, Charlie spent his time in the officer’s club located on the airbase, playing pool and hustling other airmen from their money. He was one of the best pool players Ryan had ever known, and fortunately for him, he was so close to Charlie that the other man played pool with him without betting for money. He was the only one the American did not try to get money from. When Ryan had been stationed at RAF Martlesham Heath, he had been a nineteen-year-old boy who came fresh from the officer’s academy. At first, he had been the target of many pranks and jokes that eventually led to more severe incidents. One night, when a group of officers was about to bash him, Charlie appeared out of nowhere and stepped in; and ever since that night, the American had made it his personal task to protect Ryan from any kind of harm. 

Having walked through the whole airbase, Ryan finally arrived at the club he knew Charlie was in. He entered it and was instantly hit by a heavy fog of cigarette smoke. He walked to the backside of the pub where the pool table stood and true to his nature, Charlie was playing pool against one of the new officers. 

Ryan went over to Charlie, who currently leant over the table and about to hit the white ball. Ryan cleared his throat and asked, “Charlie, could I speak to you for a moment?”

Without averting his gaze from the ball, Charlie answered, “Can’t it wait till later? I’m in the middle of an important game.”

“If it was up to me, yes, but Air Commodore Bennett wishes to speak to you,” Ryan answered.

Charlie bobbed himself up from the pool table and stared at Ryan, a disbelieving expression on his face. “At this hour?” Ryan only nodded and Charlie sighed. He turned to his opponent and said, “Seems like today is your lucky day, chap! But next time you won’t be this lucky.” 

Charlie laid the cue on the table and followed Ryan out of the pub. When they exited the pub and made their way to Bennett’s office, the American asked, “What does Bennett want from me?”

Ryan shrugged. “I don’t know. There is an American colonel in his office too.”

Charlie raised an eyebrow. “An American colonel? What’s his name?” The almond brown locks that looked out under his garrison cap got slightly damped by the light rain, with that glistening in the evening sun.

“Colonel Hogan,” Ryan answered. “You think you might be in trouble?”

“Why should I be in trouble?” Charlie replied, just a bit offended. “I haven’t been with the American outfit for about one and a half years. Don’t you think that if I did something wrong, I would know by now?”

The two men walked the rest in silence, quickly arriving in Bennett’s secretary’s office. Ryan turned to Charlie and said, “See you tomorrow, Charlie. You have to tell me everything, alright?”

“Sure, Nicholas; tomorrow at breakfast.” Charlie walked across the room and knocked on the door. After being called in, he entered the office and went over to the desk, coming to a stop next to the unfamiliar American colonel. He gave both him and Bennett a salute and asked the Air Commodore, “You asked for me, Sir?”

Bennett pointed at Hogan, both also standing by now. “Captain Stewart, that’s Colonel Robert Hogan from the United States Army Air Force. He was transferred here to help us out; and you will be his new second-in-command.”

Charlie looked at the unfamiliar man, confusion spread all over his face. The other man stretched out his hand and said with a warm smile on his face, “Nice meeting you, Captain Stewart.”

“Nice meeting you too, Colonel,” mumbled Charlie while taking in his new CO’s appearance. 

Colonel Hogan was a bit shorter than he was, his thick black hair neatly trimmed. He wore a leather jacket that had a name tag on the left side of his chest, right above his heart. While Charlie shook his hand, he felt his palm pressing against soft skin, yet the grip was tight. The colonel's chocolate brown eyes had a mischievous sparkle in them and combined with his smirk, they made him look about ten years younger. Charlie guessed him to be in his early thirties, maybe mid-thirties. And if it had not been for Bennett continuing to talk, he might have gotten himself lost in the other man’s eyes.

“You will be transferred from the No. 71 Eagle Squadron to the No. 7 Squadron RAF, which will be commanded by Colonel Hogan. Because of your experience and excellent record, I choose you to be his XO,” Bennett explained.

Charlie averted his gaze from Colonel Hogan and said, “I’m honoured, Sir. But isn’t the seventh a bomber squadron? I’m more experienced with fighter planes.”

“It is, but I have no doubt that you will be just as excellent flying in a big bomber,” Bennett answered. “Oh, you will also be sharing your room with Colonel Hogan. Given the time, I would suggest you show him to your quarters, Captain.”

“Of course, Air Commodore,” Charlie answered. He caught sight of Hogan’s duffel bag lying next to the chair and grabbed it. “Follow me, Sir. I’ll show you where we two are staying.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you for the hits and kudos so far! I hope the first chapter has awaken your interest and hopefully, the coming chapters won't let you down. If you have constructive criticism, please feel free to leave reviews.  
> Bluejay_IX  
> Update December 31, 2018: I changed Charlie's age from 24 to 25, and Hogan's age from 33 to 35. The reason is that when I wrote this chapter, I was clever enough to look at the wrong number in my information chart about the story. I know, I'm brilliant :)

As he shook the other man’s hand, Hogan looked him up and down. Captain Stewart was a bit taller than himself, his head being covered with brown locks. His eyes were a mixture between green and blue, with a light hint of grey in them; a combination Hogan had never seen before. A small white scar was on his cheekbone, and the captain was dressed in a blue RAF uniform which jacket snuggled tightly around his body, only hinting at his well-trained figure.

_Wait, what are you thinking about? “Snuggled tightly”, “hinting at his well-trained figure”? Stop that thinking!_

Hogan snapped himself out of his thoughts and let go of the other man’s hand. In the back of his mind, he thought about how soft Captain Stewart’s palm was, but only short. While Bennett explained all about the transfer, Hogan could not help but glance at his new second-in-command every so often. He tried to stop himself, but did not succeed. Just as his thoughts drifted back to the unique colour of Captain Stewart’s eyes, the other man grabbed his duffel bag and said, “Follow me, Sir. I’ll show you where we two are staying.”

Captain Stewart left the room, equally swiftly as Flying Officer Ryan, and Hogan scrambled after him. When he caught up with the other man he said, “You don’t have to carry my bag, Captain. I can do that myself.”

“It’s fine, Sir,” Charlie answered. “I’m your new second-in-command; I’m supposed to make things easier for you.”

Charlie avoided looking at the other man for he feared he might blush if the colonel directed one of his mischievous smirks at him. After all, he had to share his quarters with him; he did not need to create any tension between them right from the beginning. But Charlie could not help himself. He had always liked leather; especially if it covered the body of a handsome guy.

On the way to his new quarters, Hogan did a little bit of small talk to get to know the man he would share a room with better. All the while, he tried to forget the disturbing thoughts from earlier. “So, how old are you if you don’t mind me asking?”

“I’m twenty-five, Sir. You?”

“Just turned thirty-five,” Hogan answered.

They went back to walking in silence, which Hogan did not like at all, because his thoughts always drifted back to the attractive shade of Stewart’s eyes. To stop his thoughts, he questioned as they stepped out of the building, “Air Commodore Bennett mentioned you’ve been part of the RAF since shortly after the war started. Any particular reason for that?”

Charlie bit his bottom lip; only after about five minutes of knowing each other, his new CO had already struck a sensitive nerve in him. “With all due respect, but I barely know you, Colonel Hogan. If you have gained my trust, then I will share my reasons with you.”

Hogan was taken aback by the harsh tone of the captain’s voice but instantly knew that this was all the other man would say for now. After a quick walk in the light rain, they stepped into the large building next to the one they had come out, which Hogan had earlier identified as at least part of the quarters.

Captain Stewart stepped into the building and held the door for him open. “That’s the officers’ quarters. Our room is on the second floor, the last door to the right, Sir.”

Again, Stewart walked ahead and Hogan followed him. To his surprise, the hallways were completely empty, which prompted him to ask, “Where is everyone?”

“At this time, they’re either in the Officer’s Club or in one of the pubs outside the base,” Charlie answered. “I would be in the club too if it wasn’t for you, Sir.” As they reached the door to their room, he pulled out a key from his pocket and explained, “I only have one key for now. But I think Bennett will have organized another one by tomorrow.”

Charlie opened the door and let his CO in. He put the other man’s duffel bag on the empty bed and watched how Colonel Hogan walked around the room, taking in his new surroundings. The small room contained two beds and two closets, a table in the middle with two chairs and two nightstands next to the beds.

_The leather jacket is matching his chocolate brown eyes; and somehow highlights his groomed midnight black hair. And how those brown pants hug his neat backside!_

Charlie shook his head. He had to get those thoughts out of his head; it was his CO he was thinking about! Not that he had anything against liking an attractive guy, but not if this attractive guy was his commanding officer with whom he had to share a room.

As Hogan looked out the window, Charlie cleared his throat. “Colonel Hogan, do you want to stay here and get unpacked, or do you want to accompany me to the Officer’s Club?”

Hogan turned around and said, “I’ve been cramped in a tiny plane for hours; I think a little time out is exactly what I need.”

“Then follow me, Sir.”

~HHHHHH~

As they entered the Officer’s Club, Charlie immediately went over to the bar and ordered a beer for him and Hogan. After receiving their glasses, Charlie escorted them to a table right in the middle of the room and sat down.

He took a gulp from his glass and said out of the blue, “I’m surprised to see you here, Sir.”

“Why that?” Hogan asked, his eyebrow raised. “You’re also an American. And you’ve been fighting in this war for a long time now.”

“That’s exactly the reason, Sir,” Charlie replied. “Permission to talk freely?” Hogan nodded and Charlie explained, “The war is going on since September 1939; it’s now April 1941. The US refuses to help the UK, and just because the Nazi-threat is not directly in front of their doorstep. Heck, they have even refused to give much needed ships and planes in the beginning! They leave all of Europe alone in their hours of need.” Charlie lowered his gaze. “They leave the innocent civilians alone, not caring what happens to them.” He looked back at Hogan and said, “I don’t know of a single colonel that has joined the three Eagle Squadrons. And since you’re not part of them, but instead got an own bomber squadron to command, I don’t think you joined the RAF on a voluntary base either, Sir.”

Hogan listened silently to the explanation of the younger man, noticing how he spoke with a slight accent; however, he was not able to make out which accent had kissed Charlie’s voice. Hogan also had to concentrate very hard on what Charlie said, because he found himself getting lost in his greenish-blue eyes with that little bit of grey in it.

_Get a hold of yourself, dammit! He’s your second-in-command, not some attractive woman you can flirt with._

He took a sip from his glass before answering. Hogan tried to think of something he could say to the other man, sensing that there was a personal reason for his anger at the US government.

“You’re right, Captain Stewart; I have not joined the RAF of my own accord. But in the end I had to agree to the transfer, which I did. Because I understand your anger. I myself don’t like that we let the UK fight this battle alone with the help of some of their former colonies. I want to do my own part in the fight. And with your help, we will show the Germans what it means to mess with us. Alright?”

Hogan flashed him one of his cocky smiles, and Charlie had to try his best to not blush. He took another gulp from his glass and returned Hogan’s smile. “Alright, Sir.”

“Good to hear.” Hogan looked around the club, which was packed with officers chatting and joking. “Can you tell me something about our new squadron, Captain?”

“The seventh? It’s a great squadron, full of dedicated chaps it is. Like Nicholas.”

“Chaps? I thought you were American?” Hogan laughed.

“You get used to the slang after some time,” Charlie said. “Using it helps to be accepted by the others.”

Hogan nodded. “Who’s Nicholas?”

“He’s the guys that brought you to Air Commodore Bennett. Flying Officer Nicholas Ryan; a good friend of mine. But you will get to know all the members tomorrow after breakfast, Sir. However, I have to warn you. They’ve just lost their CO that commanded most of the man for almost two years now. It could be that they don’t welcome you immediately with the warmest of words, Sir,” Charlie explained.

“I will have to earn their trust. Just as I have with you to learn about your reason for joining the RAF,” Hogan stated.

“That’s right, Sir.” Charlie looked around the room that was still covered in a thick fog of cigarette smoke. As he spotted the pool table being empty for the moment, he turned to his new CO and asked, “Interested in a game of pool, Sir? How about twenty pounds for the stake?”

Hogan looked at the brown-haired man in front of him, who looked at him with a broad smile on his lips. “Don’t you think twenty pounds is a bit high for you?”

“Don’t worry about me, Sir. I know what I’m doing,” Charlie replied.

Hogan took a last sip from his glass before rising to his feet. “Alright, Captain. I’m in.”

Charlie stood up and walked over to the pool table with Hogan. A few of the officers who had known Charlie for a long time now have noticed his movement and gathered around him and the unfamiliar officer next to him. They knew the game he was up to, and it was always fun seeing him doing it with a new officer. Especially if it was such a high-ranking officer.

While he sharpened his cue, Charlie introduced Hogan to the crowd. “Listen up, chaps! This here is Colonel Robert Hogan from the United States Army Air Force. He’s the seventh’s new CO.” Then he turned to Hogan and said, “Sir, since you are new here, I let you have the first shot.”

The game started, and not only the pool game. Like every time when a new officer arrived and agreed to play pool with Charlie, he played incredible bad in the beginning to lull the new airman into a sense of security. And that was exactly what he was doing with Hogan too. Charlie missed out on some easy shots, failing almost every time to sink the balls. Soon the game was over, and Hogan had won.

He walked over to his second-in-command and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Maybe you should train a bit more, Captain.”

“Another game, Sir?” Charlie asked, a hint of begging in his voice. “Double or nothing?”

“Let me suggest something. How about just double? Whoever wins gets forty pounds,” Hogan said, sure of himself.

Charlie really had to do his best to suppress a smile. Hogan stepped right into his trap. Almost everyone he played this game with reacted like him, because they all though Charlie was a terrible player. “Alright, Sir.”

“Since you have lost the last game, you can start the new one,” Hogan suggested, thinking he had already won this game.

Charlie went over to the table and began the game. But this time, he showed Hogan how good he really was. He sank all his shots, and without Hogan having the chance to even have one shot, Charlie sank the black eight under the applause of his comrades. He turned to Hogan, whose jaw hung on the floor and flashed him the most innocent smile he could muster.

“Seems like I have one this time, Sir,” Charlie said as he held his hand out. “As I can recall it, you have said I would get forty pounds if I won.”

Hogan simply stared at him, flabbergasted at what he had witnessed. “What did just happen?” he managed to question after some time.

“Sir, you were double-crossed by Captain Charlie Stewart, the best pool player on this base,” one of the watching officers said.

“Don’t take it so harsh, Sir,” another officer chipped in. “Everyone of us fell for it.”

With his hand still held out and a smirk on his face, Charlie said, “Come on, Sir. Betting debts are debts of honour.”

Hogan looked at the younger man for a moment before he grabbed into his pocket. “Well played, Captain. Well played.”

He placed the bills on Charlie’s hand, who immediately counted them. Then he looked at the other officers and called out, “I buy a round for all!”

The other officers cheered while Charlie went over to the counter to pay the beer for everyone. Hogan stayed by the pool table and watched how the other man soon returned with two beers in his hands. Charlie stretched one out to him and said, “Here, Sir. To a successful cooperation!”

Hogan took the beer from Charlie and gazed at him, an unreadable expression on his face. Then a smile circled around his lips and he raised his glass. “To a successful cooperation!”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As of December 31, 2018: I have changed Charlie and Hogan's age in chapter two. I looked at wrong numbers in my information sheet concerning this story. Instead of 24, Charlie is 25, and instead of 33, Hogan is 35.

_Rob sat by the lake in the middle of the forest, watching the even flow of the water. A light breeze was going through the air, making some strands of his black hair flying into his face. He often came to this lake, it only being a ten-minute walk from his home if he wanted to be alone. And lately, everyday was a day he wanted to be alone. He should be happy. Summer break was just around the corner, and like every year, he would spend it at his grandparents’ home in Canaan, which was in the north-western part of Connecticut. And usually, he always looked forward to those three months, loving the nature that surrounded the small village. But not this time. No, this time he wished summer break would never come._

_S_ _uddenly, he heard footsteps and then a person settled down next to him. “Hey,” was all the person said._

_Rob shut his eyes, feeling tears welling up inside him by simply hearing the voice. Finally, he managed a whispered, “Hey.” “_

_Your mother told me you were gone for hours. So I figured you must be here.”_

_His gaze glued to the slight waves of the water, Rob said, “I felt cramped at home.” “_

_Like you’ve been feeling the last weeks?” At the comment, Rob turned his head and stared into a pair of forest green eyes, puzzlement written all over his face. “I live right across the street, Rob. I have seen how you left the house after lunch and came back for dinner,” explained the person with the green eyes. Rob turned his head back to watch the water when the other person asked, “What’s troubling you?”_

_“_ _You,” Rob stated._

_“_ _Me?” asked the other person. “I don’t understand.”_

_“_ _Really? You don’t understand?” Rob exclaimed, his voice at the edge of anger. He turned his head back to face the person next to him and questioned, “So you don’t care that you are moving away in a week, Theo?”_

_Theo lowered his gaze upon hearing the sadness in his best friend’s voice. He and Rob had been best friends ever since he could remember. They grew up together, his house being right across the street from Rob’s. They were the same age, him being two months older than Rob. They did everything together; their first cigarette, their first party, their first beer, their first time._

_“_ _Of course I care, Rob! Do you think this is easy for me? Or that I want to move away? I don’t, alright! But my dad got a new job, so we have to leave.” “_

_It didn’t seem to me as if you were all too sad about leaving Cleveland,” Rob stated. “About leaving me.”_

_“_ _How can you say something like that?” Theo called out, outraged at Rob’s statement. “It breaks my heart to move away from my best friend.” He took Rob’s hand in his and gently stroked across the back with his thumb. “It shatters my heart to move away from my boyfriend. But I can’t change it!”_

_“_ _Why don’t you tell your parents you want to spend your last year of school here with your friends?” Rob suggested._

_“_ _I can’t demand from my father to give up this amazing job opportunity just so that we stay here,” Theo said._

_“_ _You don’t have to,” Rob said, his eyes lightened up by a glimmer of hope. “You could move in with us. Mom and Dad see you as their second son. With that we can stay together.”_

_But the glimmer of hope was extinct when Theo shook his head. “Rob…I…I can’t. My father would never allow that.”_

_“_ _Not as long as he doesn’t know about us. I’m sure he will change his mind if we tell him about us being a couple.”_

_“_ _No!” Theo exclaimed. “We can’t do that. He hates people like us; he will disown me!”_

_Rob pulled his hand out of Theo’s grip. “Ah, so a little money is more important to you than me. Tell me, are you ashamed at liking boys?”_

_Theo bit his bottom lip and lowered his gaze, not answering Rob’s question. His actions however were answer enough for Rob._

_“I understand,” Rob said as he rose to his feet. “I wish you all the best for your future. Obviously, there is no room for me in it.”_

_Without another word, neither from him nor from Theo, Rob walked away, his gaze directed at the muddy ground and tears quietly running down his cheeks._

~HHHHHH~

When Hogan woke up in the morning, he felt completely exhausted. After his sleepy mind had returned to reality, he stayed lying down in his bed and covered his face with his hands. He had not dreamt about the day he had last seen Theo in about fifteen years now; the last time being right after he had joined the military. Charlie must have rattled something in him. Theo was his first and last boyfriend. Not having been able to talk with his mother about his first heartbreak made Hogan swear to himself to never get involved with a guy again. He just threw himself right into his womanizer life, never again getting emotionally attached to someone else again. He simply buried the side of him that felt attracted to guys and never opened that box ever again in his life.

At least Hogan thought he had buried that side of him. But when he had met Charlie last night, those attractive thoughts crept out of the box and right into his body. Hogan took a deep breath. No, he would not go down that road again. He just had to bury those feelings again; he had succeeded once in doing that, and he would successfully bury them a second time. Maybe meeting a beautiful lady in town would help him.

Hogan heard the door open and removed his hands from his face. He propped himself up on his left elbow and watched how Charlie entered their room. And what he saw made his blood run out of his head and right into something further south on his body. Charlie was dressed only in his blue military-issued boxers, small droplets of water running down his back. He was currently drying his almond-brown locks with a white towel and did not notice that he was being watched by Hogan. When he turned around, still not noticing that the man he shared a room with was awake, Hogan had to gulp. Not a single hair covered Charlie’s chest, and it turned out that he was right with guessing that the younger man had a well-trained figure. But now Hogan saw what an understatement that was! Charlie had a spectacular six-pack, his abdominal muscles impressively prominent. A brown line of hair went down from his navel to the waistband of his boxers, which had the same colour as the wild curls on his head. He had a round birthmark under his left pectoral muscle, right above the first ribs of his ribcage, and somehow, Hogan felt the urgent desire to drive with his fingertips across the dark brown mark.

When Charlie finished drying his hair, he threw his head back and placed the towel around his neck. As he looked up, he caught Hogan staring at him. And for a brief moment, he thought he had seen something in those brown eyes. He could swear it was…attraction? But whatever this sparkle was, it was too quickly gone as that he could have recognized what it was.

Because right after he had spotted Hogan staring at him, the other man shifted his eyes to the ground and greeted, “Good morning, Captain!”

“Good morning, Sir!” Charlie greeted back, deciding to forget whatever he had seen. “I hope I have not woken you, but I always have a shower in the morning. The washroom is right across from our room and its not as cramped as after breakfast.”

Hogan, who by now had managed to sit up with his feet on the ground, said, “Don’t worry, Captain. I woke up by myself. What time is it?”

“0545 hours,” Charlie answered as he walked over to his locker. He pulled out one of his light blue buttoned shirts and threw it over his shoulders. “Breakfast starts in fifteen minutes. It goes until 0730 hours. After that it’s introducing you to your new squadron, Sir,” Charlie outlined while he buttoned up his shirt.

Hogan stood up from the bed and walked over to his own locker to get dressed himself. Deciding to make another attempt at small talk to distract him from the erotic pictures welling up in his mind, he asked, “With what kind of planes is the seventh equipped?”

Charlie pulled up his pants as he answered, “Short Stirlings. Up to now, their the only squadron operating them, but the No. 15 will get them in a week too.”

“Are you familiar with them? Can you tell me something about the characteristics?” Hogan wanted to know as he pulled up his own trousers.

“The Stirling is a four-engined heavy bomber, the engines being spaced across the mid-mounted wing. It needs a crew of seven man to operate it; two pilots, a navigator/bomb aimer, a front gunner/wireless operator, two further gunners, and a flight engineer. According to Nicholas, the Stirling is easy to fly and surprisingly manoeuvrable considering the size. Shortcomings are lower operational altitudes and limited range. But I’ve never flown one of these things before; so your first time will be mine as well, Sir.”

“Sounds good so far,” Hogan said. He put his leather jacket on and asked, “You said they recently lost their commanding officer?”

Charlie nodded. “Together with his second-in-command. A fighter plane shot right through the glass shield. Group Captain Jones was immediately dead, his XO Sergeant Smith got shot in the stomach, but landed the plane. He died a few hours later.”

“That must have been hard for the crew,” Hogan concluded.

“It still is, Sir.”

Putting his crush cap on his head, Hogan said, “Care to show me where the Mess Hall is?”

“Right this way, Sir,” Charlie said as he stepped out of the door.

~HHHHHH~

After breakfast, it was off to the tarmac where the members of the No. 7 Squadron RAF waited for their new commander. Air Commodore Bennett had informed them of the arrival of their new CO in the morning, and therefore, all the members lined up on the tarmac. The atmosphere among the 110 men was a mixture between sadness, because they still mourned their late CO, and determination to make Group Captain Jones proud by showing their new commanding officer how great of a group they were.

When Hogan and Charlie arrived at the tarmac, all the men came to attention and gave the Americans a salute. Both Charlie and Hogan returned it, and the latter announced, “At ease, men!” The squadron members followed the order and Hogan said, “Good morning, gentlemen! I’m sure you have already been informed that I am your new commanding officer. My name is Colonel Robert Hogan, I’m part of the United States Army Air Force and I have been transferred to the RAF to be part of the fight against the Germans. Next to me stands my new second-in-command, Captain Charlie Stewart, who I’m sure you already know. I was informed that your former CO and XO have been killed in action for which I’m sorry for. We two will not try to replace Group Captain Jones and Sergeant Smith; however, the fight must go on and I wish to see the same discipline and respect from you fine airmen that you showed under your former CO. I know that the US has not yet entered the war and that this causes some sour feelings among you, but that doesn’t mean we cannot work together hand in hand. Understood?”

“Understood, Sir!” replied the other men.

“Will the crew of Group Captain Jones please step forward?” Hogan asked. Five men, all standing in the first row, took a step forward at his request. “What are your names and position?” While the five airmen answered, Hogan observed them, paying attention to the way they moved and spoke.

The first man to answer was a tall and lanky sergeant with trimmed ginger blond hair and deep-set blue eyes. “Flight Sergeant William C. Morris, Sir. I’m the navigator and bomb aimer.”

“I’m Sergeant Sidney A. Roberts, the front gunner and wireless operator, Sir.” He was a short brown-haired man, his hair neatly trimmed, with a pair of leaf green filmy eyes.

The third airman in line had indigo blue eyes and black curls similar to Charlie’s, but not as wild and luscious. “My name is Chief Technician Benjamin F. Kelly, and I’m the flight engineer of the crew, Sir.”

“Sergeant Tom P. Jenkins, Sir. I’m one if the gunners.” His ash blond hair gleamed in the sun, as did his taffy brown eyes. He was slightly shorter than Morris, but still tall.

The last one in the row was a young corporal with freckles all over his face. Together with his short auburn red hair and clover green eyes, he created the impression of being an Irishman. “I’m the other gunner, Sir. Corporal Harry L. West.”

“Nice meeting you, gentlemen. From now on, Captain Stewart and I will be part of your crew,” Hogan announced. “I want you five to show me our plane and explain to me how it works.” He turned to face Charlie before he looked at the group of airmen behind his new crew. “In the meantime, I want you to come to Captain Stewart and tell him your name, position, and aircraft number. He will make a list so that I know the names of all my men. Understood?”

Again, the member of the No. 7 Squadron RAF answered, “Understood!” in unison.

As Charlie began his task, he watched Hogan heading to one of the Short Stirlings on the tarmac, his crew right behind him.

_Yup, those pants make a great behind!_


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 1/2

_One week later…_

Like almost every day since his transfer, Hogan found himself in the Officer’s Club on the airbase after dinner. He had been once to one of the pubs in town and used the opportunity to heavily flirt with a gorgeous redhead with perfect curves. She had even invited him to her place, the tone of her voice showing him clearly that she did not intend to end the night with all of their clothes on their bodies. And any other time, Hogan would have immediately accepted the offer, but something inside him made him decline it. Or rather, the gaze of someone else in the pub. When Hogan had looked over the shoulder of the redhead, he caught Charlie staring at him from the other end of the pub, a sad expression on his face. He instantly looked to the ground when he noticed Hogan looking at him, but the disappointment in those green-greyish blue eyes sent a twinge to his heart. So Hogan apologized himself and said he had to return to the base for duty and left the pub. That was the third night of his transfer, and ever since that night he had spent his evenings in the Officer’s Club, getting more acquainted with the fellow officers and watching Charlie playing pool. 

Today was no exception. As Hogan watched how Charlie played a friendly game of pool against Flying Officer Ryan, he wondered why anyone who knew Charlie still played against him. Because every time he played for money, Charlie won. Every single time. And though Charlie often invited him for another game, Hogan declined most of the time. He enjoyed it too much to watch his second-in-command completely wrapped up in the game, biting on his tongue as he lined up for another shot. 

While Charlie leant on the table, aiming for the left back-pocket, Hogan’s gaze landed on his sharply backside that pointed in his direction. It lingered there for a short while, taking in how the deep-blue trousers covered Charlie’s round buttocks that had the right size to perfectly fit in his hands. Upon this thought, Hogan quickly averted his gaze and looked into the beer glass in his hand. Every time his eyes landed on Charlie, those erotic thoughts and pictures crept into his mind and no matter how hard he tried, he could not make them stop. And it made him angry. Angry at not being able to control himself. Angry at showing weakness; a weakness that allowed his buried feelings to come to the open and stay there. Angry at even having erotic feelings for another man. And somehow, his anger over Theo’s behaviour had refilled his body. The last nights, Theo had appeared in all of his dreams and it scared Hogan; scaring him that his feelings for men might have come up again to stay for good. And if that was true, Hogan had no idea what he would do because a life in which he acted upon his attraction towards the same sex was not a life he wanted to live.

Just as Charlie hit the white ball, which landed in the aimed pocket a split-second later, with that scoring another victory, a furious-sounding voice from the other end of the club yelled, “Stewart!”

Everyone turned their heads to the voice, and Hogan saw a bulky officer with a G.I. cut coming towards Charlie. Said one had also turned at the calling of his name and asked annoyed, “What do you want, Bradley?”

By now, Bradley had stormed towards him and raged, “I can’t believe they still let a dirty rat like you play here?”

“Who do you call a dirty rat, Bradley?” Charlie said, calmly leaning against the pool table. “Has someone forgotten to look in the mirror today or what?”

A chuckle went through the surrounding crowd; all but Hogan, who watched the scene in front of him with an unsettling feeling in his gut. 

“Think you’re funny, Stewart? You are nothing but a dirty cheater,” Bradley growled while clenching his fists. 

Charlie bobbed himself up and hissed, “Just because you’re a lousy pool player doesn’t mean I’m a cheater. I’m simply better than you.” He stepped closer to Bradley and said, “I would invite to another game, but you already owe me a hundred pounds. When are you planning to clear your debts?” Charlie took a step back, now standing with his right side to the pool table and smirking at the bulky flying officer, “If you don’t have the money, we can negotiate something else. How about you clean my room for the next month as a payback?”

Next thing Hogan witnessed was how Bradley threw a punch, his fist connecting with Charlie’s left temple. With a thump, he crashed to the ground and remained still. While three officers who were Charlie’s friends grabbed Bradley and pushed him back, Hogan rushed to his second-in-command’s side and knelt down.

He rolled Charlie on his back and spotted a thin line of blood running down from his left temple. “Charlie?” he asked, panic rising in him upon receiving no answer. Hogan gently padded his cheek and said, “Come on, Charlie! Wake up!”

By now, Ryan had knelt down beside Hogan and asked, “Has he a pulse?”

Hogan instantly put two of his fingers on Charlie’s neck and sighed in relief when he felt a constant beat against his fingers. He nodded and tabbed once more against Charlie’s cheek. “Come on, Charlie!” Seconds later, which felt like an eternity, a small groan left Charlie’s lips and his eyelids began to flutter. “That’s it, Charlie, open your eyes!”

Another groan, a bit louder than the first one, escaped Charlie’s lips as he managed to fully open his eyes. He quickly covered them with his hand when the light blinded him. 

“Blimey!” Charlie moaned, showing his adaption to the British slang once more.

When his eyes had adapted to the light, Charlie was able to remove his hand. As he caught sight of the face right in front of him, his heart stopped for a second. He was looking into a pair of concerned chocolate brown eyes that were only inches away from him. And for a moment, Charlie had the feeling those brown eyes showed more than just the concern of a commanding officer for his XO.

But then the brown eyes swiftly shifted away from him, and he heard the voice which belonged to the eyes ordering, “Get him to the cells and tell the guards what happened. I will take care of him tomorrow.” There was a short pause before the voice continued, “Ryan, could you please go with them? I trust you to make sure this guy ends up behind bars for the night.”

“Of course, Sir!” Ryan said.

Charlie heard rummaging and people shifting, and then raised voices which intensified the painful throbbing in his head. Therefore, he pressed his eyes shut and groaned again. He felt a hand on his shoulder and then the voice of his CO softly said, “Don’t worry, Charlie. I will get you to the infirmary as fast as possible.”

“I’m fine, Sir,” Charlie stated as he tried to pull himself up. But as soon as his head left the ground, a wave of nausea washed through him and he fell back.

“Of course you are,” Hogan said as he put the other man’s garrison cap in his jacket’s pocket.

He slipped a hand underneath Charlie’s back and grabbed his right arm. Then Hogan pulled him up. However, it turned out to be more difficult than anticipated, but thankfully, one of the officers that had watched the scene stepped closer and helped Hogan. 

As soon as they had got Charlie into a standing position, Hogan slipped Charlie’s left arm around his own neck and his own right arm around the other’s waist, holding him in a tight grip. “Lean into me, Charlie,” Hogan whispered into his XO’s ear. “I will steady you.”

Exhausted from the nausea that filled his body, Charlie placed his head on Hogan’s shoulder, his nose buried in the crook of the other man’s neck. He felt how Hogan moved them and desperately tried to coordinate his stumbling feet; however, his clouded mind made this simple task incredible difficult. It did not help Charlie that beside the dizziness, his mind was also clouded by Hogan’s aftershave. It had a musky scent that radiated all around him; it had only taken a day for their room to smell like musk and it drove Charlie wild. Wild with lust. He had always liked manly men that radiated a sense of dominance and control. And everything about Hogan screamed dominance, which made it all the more harder for Charlie to resist the urge to kiss his CO. And now he was so close to him that he could taste him.

With no sense of time and closed eyes, Charlie was yanked out of semi-consciousness by Hogan yelling, “I need some help!”

Suddenly, there was another pair of hands grabbing him and the voice of the infirmary’s doctor asking, “What happened to him?”

Charlie was laid down on a bed as he heard Hogan answering, “He was beaten by another officer.”

“I’m fine,” Charlie mumbled, trying to sit up.

He was pushed down by the doctor and Hogan said, “He was unconscious for a short amount of time. Furthermore, he feels dizzy and has problems keeping his eyes open.”

“Sounds like a mild concussion to me; especially if I consider the blood on his temple,” the doctor said. He pulled a flashlight out of his coat’s pocket and pointed it to Charlie’s eyes while keeping the eyelids of his patient open. The size and movement were alright, but Charlie’s writhing and attempt to push the flashlight away showed him that his patient had a high sensibility to light. He put the flashlight back in his pocket and turned to the man who had brought his patient in. “It’s definitely a mild concussion, but I don’t think there is any brain bleeding. He just has to rest the next few days.”

“Anything I should keep an eye on?” Hogan asked, relieved at the good news considering the circumstances. 

“He shouldn’t sleep the next three hours; after that, he has to be woken every two hours. Since a concussion is usually accompanied by a feeling of nausea, you should place a bucket next to his bed. But he should be fine in a couple of days,” the doctor explained. “But if he gets worse, bring him back to the infirmary.”

Hogan nodded. “Thank you, Doctor.”

“Nothing to thank me for.” The doctor went over to one of the medical supply closets and retrieved a cotton ball for cleaning the wound and some painkillers. He returned to the bed and carefully cleaned Charlie’s wound, revealing only a slight cut. “He doesn’t need stitches.” Then the doctor turned to Hogan and gave him the painkillers. “In case his headache gets worse.”

Hogan nodded and put the painkillers in his pants pocket. Together with the doctor’s help, Hogan pulled Charlie up, and then it was going back to their room. Once more, Charlie placed his head on Hogan’s shoulder and closed his eyes, being more dragged by his CO than walking on his own. It took them a while, but they eventually arrived on their floor. 

As they were about to enter their room, a wave of sickness hit Charlie hard into the stomach and he exclaimed, “I think I’m about to throw up!”

Hogan dragged him into the opposite washroom which contained toilets too. He pushed the door to the first cabin open and carefully helped Charlie to kneel down. Just as Hogan opened the toilet lid, Charlie couldn’t fight the sickness anymore and threw up into the toilet. Hogan quickly left the cabin to get a glass from their room, which he filled with some water from one of the sinks. As he returned to a still vomiting Charlie, he spotted how his XO had a tight grip on the porcelain. Hogan knelt down behind Charlie and put the glass down next to him. Then he did what his mother had always done to him when he had emptied his stomach’s contents as a child; rubbing his back. Hogan gently rubbed across the other man’s back without saying a word. When the feeling of nausea finally left his body, Charlie sank down and placed his head on his elbow. 

Hogan stopped rubbing his back and grabbed the glass of water. He held it in front of Charlie’s face and said, “Here. You feel better after it.”

Charlie took the glass and with shaky hands, he placed it to his lips. “Thank you, Sir,” he managed to say with a hoarse voice. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“You don’t have to be sorry for that,” Hogan answered. He took the glass from Charlie and said with a smile on his face, “And you can call me Rob if you want. After all, you are my XO and we share a room together.”

The corners of Charlie’s mouth raised into a smile. “But only if you call me Charlie.”

“Deal.” Hogan rose to his feet and grabbed Charlie’s hands. “Let’s get you to our room.”

He hauled him up and slipped his hands around Charlie’s waist once more. Hogan carefully led him to their room, which was luckily right across from the washroom, and sat him down on his bed. 

“You think you can be left alone for five minutes while I go and organize a bucket for the night in case you feel the need to empty what’s left of your stomach’s content?” Hogan asked.

Charlie nodded, and Hogan left the room in search for said container. Fearing that the other man might slip into unconsciousness without him being around, Hogan returned faster than the speed of light with a bucket from the cleaning crew. As he entered their room, he found Charlie still conscious, leaning back with his head against the wall. 

“Here you go,” Hogan announced as he placed the bucket next to Charlie’s bed. He went on to help Charlie out of his shoes and blue RAF uniform jacket with the stripes of a flight lieutenant, the British equivalent to the rank of a captain. Then Hogan threw his leather jacket and crush cap on his own bed, with his shoes neatly placed by the foot of the bed, and settled down next to his XO. “Any idea how we pass the next three hours?”

“Tell me more about yourself,” Charlie suggested.

Hogan chuckled. “Well, what do you want to know?”

“Whatever you want me to know,” Charlie answered. 

Even though he felt like shit, Charlie enjoyed the feeling of Hogan sitting next to him, shoulder to shoulder. The last week had showed him something he knew from the very beginning: he liked his commanding officer. A lot. More than one should like his CO. But Charlie could not deny that whenever he looked at Hogan, he felt like having hundreds of butterflies in his stomach. Every time Hogan directed one of his mischievous smiles and grins at him, he instantly blushed. And when Charlie looked into the other man’s eyes, he felt himself getting lost in this chocolate brown ocean. 

“How about I start with my family?” Hogan suggested, receiving an approval nod from his XO.

Having Hogan caring for him and sitting close to him, made Charlie wanting to have more. He knew he might only have this night to share some closeness, and the throbbing in his head made him feel indeed dizzy. Therefore, Charlie placed his head on Hogan’s right shoulder.

Feeling Charlie’s head on his shoulder startled Hogan. Once again, he felt the other man’s wild almond-brown locks tingling his neck and chin; and to his utter puzzlement, Hogan enjoyed the feeling. Being so close to Charlie that he could smell the scent of curd soap emanating from his hair made Hogan feel warm. His heart was doing double-jumps and no matter how hard he tried to fight those feelings, he could not shake them off.

Hogan looked down at his XO and said, “No sleeping, Charlie.”

“I’m not sleeping,” Charlie mumbled. “But there is this painful throbbing in my head.”

Instant worry washed through Hogan’s body. “Do you want to take some of the painkillers the doctor gave me?” 

“No, I’m fine,” Charlie replied. “Hearing your voice helps.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2/2

Slightly taken aback by Charlie’s answer yet at the same time feeling warm all over again, Hogan looked down at his XO once more. Deciding to ignore the confusion over two completely different feelings and to concentrate on caring for the other man, Hogan began to reveal more about himself; something he usually was uncomfortable to do. However, telling those things to Charlie made it somehow not uncomfortable, but rather enjoyable.

“Alright. My parents’ names are Robert John Hogan and Mary Elizabeth Hogan. I have one brother, his name is John William Hogan; he is four years younger than me. My father works as a lawyer, and my brother is a lieutenant commander in the US Navy. Currently he is stationed somewhere in the Pacific; he is not allowed to write me where exactly he is,” Hogan explained. “What about your family?”

“I’m an only child,” Charlie said. “My parents’ names are Arthur and Clara Stewart. My father works as an accountant.”

“How was your childhood as an only child?” Hogan wanted to know. It was rather unusual to be an only child in their times.

“It was alright. It could get boring sometimes, not having a sibling to play with, but on the other hand, I had peace and quiet if I needed it. Only downside was that my mother was a bit overcautious, which meant that I always had to argue with her if I wanted to do something. You know, she wanted to have a lot of children, and I was the only one she got. So she tried to make sure I would not get hurt.”

A laugh escaped Hogan’s lips. “I think your mother would have had a heart attack if I had been her son. I was quiet the troublemaker in my youth.”

Charlie felt a twinge to his heart. If he could only tell Hogan why there had been a real threat in his past for his mother to worry about. But that was a no-go. Not as long as he was not completely sure that Hogan was trustworthy. His infatuated mind told him that he could trust his CO, but the rational part of him screamed at Charlie to not let anything slip.

When he got no reaction from the younger man, Hogan looked down and asked, “Charlie? Is everything alright?”

Charlie turned his head to look up at his CO and replied, “I’m fine, Rob. Just the throbbing in my head that hurts a lot.”

Hogan nudged Charlie’s head from his shoulder and stood up from the bed. “That’s it, Charlie. You are going to take some of the painkillers the doctor gave me, no matter what you are saying.”

Hogan grabbed the pack of painkillers from his bed and handed two pills over to Charlie; then he left for the washroom to get the glass he had left there after Charlie’s nausea attack. When he came back with a filled glass of water, he gave it to Charlie and watched how his XO put the pills in his mouth and washed them down with a gulp from the glass. Hogan took the glass from Charlie and placed it on his nightstand before sitting down next to him on the bed again.

As soon as he sat next to him, Charlie put his head on Hogan’s shoulder once again. “Where are you from?”

“Cleveland, Ohio. You?”

“Littleton, Colorado,” Charlie answered, trying to fight the feeling of guilt rising in him upon lying to his commanding officer. But one had to do what one had to do to protect oneself. “It’s a small town with about 2000 people near Denver.”

“How was it growing up in such a small town?” Hogan asked.

Charlie shrugged. “Quite boring, to be honest. Nothing spectacular ever happened there. But I like the closeness of the neighbourhood. Everyone knew everyone for generations, and you could always rely on the help of your neighbours if you had trouble. But of course, with everyone knowing each other, gossip doesn’t wait long.” Technically, Charlie was not even lying. Even though he never really lived in Littleton, he spoke the truth about how it was to grow up in a small town.

“I can only imagine how it is if everyone knows everyone. When I was young, Cleveland had like 800,000 people. Although you knew your neighbours quite well, they often changed. There weren’t many people in my street who had lived there for generations,” Hogan said. 

“What is Cleveland like?” Charlie inquired. “Anything special?”

“It’s located at the southern shore of Lake Erie, which I like very much. My friends and I used to swim in it during summer. Because of the Ohio and Erie Canal, it’s a transportation hub for shipping in Northern America, and therefore a commercial and manufacturing center. The car industry is a major income for Cleveland, and because of that we have a lot of immigrants,” Hogan explained. “What about Littleton? I’ve been to Denver before, but I never heard of Littleton before.”

Charlie chuckled. “That’s no surprise. It started to get populated because of the Pikes Peak Gold Rush in the 1860s, and is named after an engineer who built a flour mill; Richard Sullivan Little. We are a railroad junction with its major income through manufacturing, farming, and being a trade center.”

“Sounds like a lovely community,” Hogan said.

They continued to talk about everything and anything. The whole time, Charlie had his head on Hogan’s shoulder and leant into him, the wish to enjoy this closeness too strong to resist. And strangely to Hogan, he did not mind this closeness. No, he had to admit that he enjoyed it, and although he would try to fight his upwelling feelings for Charlie again in the morning, he decided to simply enjoy this night. 

When the three hours of no sleep for Charlie were over, Hogan helped him to lie down and tugged him in. He proceeded to his own bed and as he lied under the covers, he felt a sudden sadness filling him over the loss of warmth from not being close to Charlie. And in that moment, he realized something.

It would not be easy to bury his feelings again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter, but I wanted to give you a bit of Hogan and Charlie's background story; but it was too long for my taste to put it in the previous chapter. Therefore, I simply decided to post two chapters with one being a bit shorter than usual.   
> Also, I'm going on a trip for the next month and I don't know how my Wifi-connection will be. It could be that I can't post anything for the whole rest of January; if that's the case, I hope the wait is bearable for you.  
> Yours in service,  
> Bluejay_IX


	6. Chapter 6

It took Charlie a whole week to go through the day without feeling dizzy or nauseous. And this meant that he was written of sick for seven days, which was something he could not stand. He felt incredible useless in his room, not participating in any bombing raids. Even worse yet, Hogan made it his personal duty to care for him. By itself, having Hogan care for him was not something Charlie despised; au contraire, he loved spending time with the man he fell in love with. However, Hogan made sure that Charlie was never alone. Either he himself was with him or Ryan. And that was exactly the problem. With constantly being watched, Charlie had no opportunity to do something important to him without spilling one of his secrets; one of the reasons why he joined the RAF right after the outbreak of the war. This meant that whenever he was alone for a few minutes, Charlie made use of it. And this had let to some hairy situations in which Hogan or Ryan had almost walked in on him while practising his secret. Until now, he managed to always save himself from exposure in the last minute. But Hogan’s suspicious questions told Charlie that his CO had noticed his secretiveness and made it his task to find out what he was hiding. 

Charlie currently walked across the base, coming from a briefing with his squadron for an upcoming bombing raid in the night. Hogan was not with him since he had to attend an own briefing with Air Commodore Bennett and the other squadron commanders. As he walked across the tarmac to the officer’s quarters, he heard loud shouting coming from behind the building. He turned around and followed the shouting.

“What are you even doing here?” asked one of the voices, a sneery undertone to it.

“Yeah, you should have stayed with your father’s antique shop,” another voice laughed.

“What do you guys want from me?” a third voice shouted, which Charlie instantly recognized. It was Sergeant Feigel, one of the Jewish-American volunteers.

Charlie stopped and peaked around the corner, seeing how Sergeant Harris and Young, two well-known troublemakers and members of his squadron, had pushed Feigel against the building wall. 

Harris sneered. “To put you in your place.”

“Yes,” Young agreed. “We don’t want money-loving Jews in our rows.”

Harris pushed Feigel forcefully against the wall and the attacked man fell to the ground. 

Just as Charlie was about to step in, he heard a familiar voice calling from behind the three men, “Leave that man alone!” It was Hogan, who quickly walked towards the turmoil.

Charlie rushed over to the men too and knelt down to help Feigel sit up. Feigel touched the back of his head and winced, and Charlie removed his hand to take a closer look. He spotted a bright red spot colouring part of Feigel’s light blond hair.

Charlie looked up to Hogan and said, “He’s bleeding.”

Hogan turned to the two people responsible and asked in an angry tone, “What the hell was going on here?”

“Nothing, Sir,” answered Harris while looking two the ground.

“Nothing, huh?” Hogan crossed his arms in front of his chest. “And why is this man bleeding?”

Neither Harris nor Young answered, and therefore, Hogan shot Charlie a questioning glance. “Sergeant Harris pushed Sergeant Feigel against the wall after he and Sergeant Young insulted him, Sir,” Charlie informed his CO.

Hogan knelt down next to Feigel and asked in a soft manner, “What have they said to you?”

Feigel was unsure if he should enlighten the American colonel. He bid his lip and looked away from him.

Charlie, who had a hand on the other man’s shoulder, sensed his discomfort and said, “Sir, they have insulted him because he is Jewish.”

“Is that so?” Hogan asked. When he received a slight nod from Feigel, he rose to his feet and stared at the two perpetrators. “You two are coming with me.”

“To where?” Young questioned.

“To Air Commodore Bennett’s office,” Hogan replied. “I won’t allow narrow-minded people like you two to be part of my squadron or even part of this airbase. You have obviously forgotten on which side you’re on, because we are the ones that fight such racist attitudes. If you can’t accept people having another belief, then you should switch sides.” He looked down and asked, “Can you escort Sergeant Feigel to the infirmary?” 

“Yessir!” Charlie answered.

Hogan nodded and glanced back at Harris and Young, who made no move to leave the scene. “What are you waiting for?” Hogan asked. “Forward march!”

Grudgingly, Harris and Young trotted into the direction of Bennett’s office, with Hogan right behind them. Charlie watched them go, and when they had walked around the corner, he grabbed Feigel’s hand and said, “Let’s go, Sergeant.”

He pulled Feigel to his feet, who said, “Thank you, Captain.”

“No need to thank me, Sergeant Feigel. How are you feeling?”

“My head hurts a bit, but else I’m fine.”

“No, I mean how are you feeling about their comments?”

Feigel shrugged. “Nothing new to me, Captain. I’m used to it now.”

You shouldn’t be used to this, Charlie thought. It’s unacceptable. But I feel the same.

“Just because you’re used to something like this doesn’t mean you should endure it,” Charlie said. “But I’m sure Colonel Hogan will take care of that matter.”

Feigel snorted. “That would surprise me; he’d be the first who cares about anti-Semitism among the men.”

“Colonel Hogan is different to the other commanding officers. He cares for his men; and he cares for justice. Remember when Sergeant Bradley punched me last week? He’s now an aircraftman cleaning the latrines.”

“If you say so, Captain. You know him better than I do.”

~HHHHHH~

Around half an hour later, the infirmary doctor put the last stitches on Feigel’s wound to close it. The whole time, Charlie sat next to him and observed the doctor’s every move while trying to control the fury he felt rising in him over Harris and Young’s pejorative actions.

“That’s it!” announced the doctor. “You should come back in five days so that I can remove the stitches.”

“Thank you, doctor,” Feigel said.

“Can he be part of today’s bombing raid?” asked Charlie. “Sergeant Feigel is a flight engineer; it’s important that he flies with his crew. And since all squadrons are part of today’s mission, we can’t replace him.”

The doctor knitted his brows as he was not happy about the idea. “I don’t know, Captain. The sergeant has a head wound; I would recommend that he rest.”

“Captain, I can do it. Don’t worry,” Feigel interrupted.

“I would like that he rests to, but we’re at war. We can’t just take a break from it; not today,” Charlie said. “So I want to know if according to you, it is absolutely forbidden or if he can do his duty.”

The doctor sighed. “No, it’s not forbidden.”

“Good.” Charlie was just about to rose to his feet when he spotted Hogan coming into the infirmary. 

Feigel caught sight of Hogan too and immediately scrambled to his feet, giving his CO a salute.

Hogan returned it and said, “Sit down, Sergeant.”

Feigel complied and said, the bitterness in his voice unmistakeable, “Let me guess, Colonel: you came to tell me that you have changed your mind and have kept Harris and Young on the squadron?”

For a second, there was puzzlement seen in Hogan’s face, but he quickly replaced it with his usual calm and professional expression. “No, Sergeant. I came to see how you are doing. And to tell you that even though Air Commodore Bennett did not agree with my wish to demote them, he did agree to transfer them to another airbase.”

“Really?” Feigel asked in a disbelieving tone.

“They will leave tomorrow morning. And now I want you to rest; we need you tonight.”

Hogan flashed Feigel a smile and the young sergeant nodded. He stood up from the bed and left the infirmary to lie down in his room. During the exchange, Charlie rose to his feet too and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “I’m surprised that you have coaxed Bennett into transferring those tossers.” 

“Why that?”

“Let’s just say that I have experience with them.” And with that, Charlie walked out of the infirmary, leaving a confused Hogan behind.

~HHHHHH~

After having successfully bombed a factory near Hamburg, Hogan and Charlie were flying back to their base. When they had halfway crossed the Channel without a German aircraft following them, Hogan used the opportunity to ask Charlie a question that had been on his mind the whole day.

“Why was Sergeant Feigel reluctant to tell me what Harris and Young have said to him? And why were you two surprised that I got Bennett to transfer them?”

“Like I’ve told you: we have experience with that.”

“You mean with airmen being insulted because of their belief?”

“Not because of their belief in general.” Charlie gazed into Hogan’s brown eyes and said, “Because their Jewish.”

“You mean it wasn’t the first time that airmen acted pejoratively towards Jewish comrades?” Hogan asked in disbelief.

Charlie snorted. “How nice of you to call it “pejoratively”. I would call it downright anti-Semitic.”

“What?”

“Rob, we have a lot of airmen on the base that only reluctantly work together with the Jewish airmen; Harris and Young are only the tip of the iceberg. And the reason why Feigel didn’t want to talk to you was because he feared you were also anti-Semitic. And we two were surprised that you coaxed Bennett into the transfer because I had tried that before you; unsuccessfully. Bennett is not one who is concerned about anti-Semitism among the men.”

“I can’t believe it!” Hogan exclaimed.

“Believe it, Rob. We might fight the Germans, but concerning their racist views, we are not a whit better.”

Hogan shook his head. “This is outrageous. Who cares if one is Christian or Jewish, black or white, American or Brit. We all have to fight together, regardless of those vanities.”

“Well, tell that the rest of the British and American military. I’m sure the American authorities will love it if you want to lecture them about treating Blacks like Whites.”

~HHHHHH~

After landing their bomber back at RAF Martlesham Heath, Hogan and Charlie went straight to their room. It had been a long day, and both men just wanted to lay down in their bed. However, when Charlie’s head hit the pillow, he was wide awake and could not fall asleep. And it had nothing to do with the light coming from Hogan’s nightstand as his CO read a couple pages of his book. Hogan could never sleep right after an air raid and found that reading helped. 

As Charlie stared at the ceiling, he began to count sheep in the hope he might fall asleep. However, it was not working; and when he reached 600, he ceased the counting. There was simply too much going on in his mind, and he always found himself wondering whether he could trust his CO and tell him about his reason to fight in this war. Over the course of the last two weeks, Charlie grew fond of Hogan and he had the feeling that he was an honourable man. And Hogan’s disbelief concerning the acceptance of anti-Semitic actions from Bennett only added to Charlie’s feeling of trust towards him. But then there was this voice in the back of his mind that told him that he could never trust another person; too many have already turned their backs on him. And then there was the fact that he had indeed romantic feelings for Hogan, and Charlie feared they might influence his thinking about Hogan concerning his trustfulness. 

Charlie sighed. So many different feelings and thoughts were tearing him apart. But he knew he would not get any sleep without telling Hogan his reasons. And Hogan’s actions today made him believe that his CO would not discriminate against him. But would he accept Charlie as a whole? There was more to his reasons than his belief. And the other reason made Charlie fear that Hogan react differently. But he would not have certainty until he talked to Hogan; everything else was pure speculation. Therefore, Charlie worked up all the courage he had and made a fateful decision.

“I’m Jewish,” Charlie said, making Hogan look up from his book and at him. Charlie turned his head and added, “And I was born in Germany.”


	7. Chapter 7

“You’re what?” Hogan asked as he placed his book aside.

Charlie sat up and leaned with his back against the wall, facing Hogan in the other bed. “I’m German-Jewish. That’s my reason for fighting in this war.”

Hogan followed Charlie suit, sitting on his bed with his back against the wall. “But how come you’re in the US Air Force? And that you have such an English-sounding name?”

“My father was born in Littleton to German-Jewish immigrants; that’s why I know so much about the town even though I have never lived there. At the age of eighteen, my father went back to Germany. He settled down in my grandfather’s home village in the northern part of Bavaria, right at the border of Hesse. It’s called Fellen and has roundabout 1000 inhabitants. He opened up a small antique shop in which he also did money lending. It was there that he met my mother; they married in 1914, and on 9 August 1915, I was born. Soon after my birth, my mom fell sick and as a result, she couldn’t have any more children,” Charlie explained.

Hogan did not say anything; he had no idea what to say in that moment. The silence prompted Charlie to continue telling Hogan about his past.

“I grew up bilingual at home. My dad talked to me in English and called me Charlie, my mom talked to me in Yiddish and used my Jewish name, Efrayim; German I learned on the streets. Even though Fellen was small, it had a fairly large Jewish community. All of my friends that I grew up with were also Jewish. After I finished school, I went on studying to become a mechanical engineer. I had always been confronted with anti-Semitism, but it wasn’t so bad. But everything changed in January 1933; the moment Hitler was appointed Chancellor of Germany.”

Hogan observed Charlie. He saw how his greyish-green blue eyes light up while talking about his parents and home village, and how they darkened as soon as he mentioned Hitler’s name. Unsure of what to say, Hogan tried to show compassion although he had absolutely no idea what exactly he should do. “Was it then that you went to the US?”

Charlie shook his head. “We didn’t leave Germany until 1935. The Jewish community was aware of his views regarding us, but never in our wildest dreams could we have imagined what followed after his appointment. I, just like anyone else, thought he would calm down after becoming chancellor. How very wrong we were.”

“I have…I have heard some things about what happened in Germany, but not so much.”

“You want to hear what this madman has done to us?” The bitterness in Charlie’s voice made him sound incredible angry and hurt, and it gave his usual soft features a harsh tone.

Hogan nodded. “If you feel comfortable sharing it with me.”

“Like I’ve said, I had been confronted with anti-Semitism and prejudice before Hitler came up. But it was only occasionally and many people in my village didn’t regard us Jews any different. The first big thing happened after the Reichstag was set on fire at the end of February 1933. Hitler came up with a decree that rescinded most civil liberties and arrested thousands of members of the communist party. Because of a brilliant propaganda machine, most Germans supported those restrictions of their freedom. Then in March 1933, the Enabling Act happened. From now on, Hitler and his party could pass laws without the consent of the parliament – even laws against the constitution. What followed were multiple bans of other parties. I’ve watched all this with concern and fear, but at the same time I was somehow relieved, because he had not yet done anything against us. When he restricted freedoms, it was against all Germans. In hindsight, the Jewish community was completely stupid. What happened in April 1933 should have been a warning to us all that we were not longer safe in Germany.”

Charlie stopped because he felt tears welling up inside him. The pain of what he had to endure filled his body and even though he thought about it almost every day, sharing it with another person brought him close to tears. 

Hogan sensed that Charlie had a hard time talking about what happened to him and the Jewish community in Germany in general. And already now after only hearing what had happened in the two months after Hitler’s appointment, he felt rage and disbelief filling his body. What would he learn if Charlie went on? It would probably change his whole view on why he was fighting this war.

In a soft voice, in order to show his compassion, Hogan asked, “What happened in April 1933?”

After somehow controlling his emotions, Charlie continued. “Hitler declared a national boycott of Jewish businesses. That day, SA-members stood in front of shops, law and doctor offices, and prevented people from entering. Shops were marked with yellow paint, reading “Jude”, which means “Jew”, and the star of David. Everywhere in Germany were signs saying, “Germans, don’t buy at the Jews!”. My father’s shop was marked too. When people tried to enter it, those SA-men stayed put and didn’t want them to enter. However, most people disapproved of it and went into Jewish shops nonetheless. That was the reason why my dad stayed calm and said we should not work ourselves up over it. He said that the majority of Germans would never go along with Hitler’s anti-Semitic policies. Oh, how wrong he was! What followed that month was a decree that forced all non-Aryan servants to retire from legal professions and civil service; soon after, Jews were not allowed anymore to freely choose their profession. My best friend’s father was one of those affected. He had to leave the civil council, but luckily, my father offered him a job. Hitler implemented another decree that limited the number of Jewish students at schools and universities; many Jewish children had to leave school without a diploma, which meant that they had huge problems finding a job. Luckily for me, the number of Jewish students at universities was so low that we were not affected by that decree.”

“What happened after that?” 

“There was a nationwide book burning of books that were considered as representing ideologies opposed to Nazism; Jewish, pacifistic, religious, socialist, communist…whatever you can imagine. In July 1933, Hitler officially declared the NSDAP as the sole legal party, making Germany a one-party state. I was getting more and more concerned, but still, I thought it could not get any worse.”

“Why haven’t you left by then?” Hogan interrupted. “Wasn’t a dictatorship the only logical result after Germany became a one-party state? And was what Hitler had done by then against Jews not warning enough?”

“Germany was my home,” Charlie said, his eyes glazing over with tears. “It still is. My father fought for Germany in the Great War. Many Jewish men have given their life for their country. I was born there; it was the only home I had known. And all my friends were there. We had never thought that we could be a foreigner in our home country.” Charlie shook his head to clear his mind. “But that was exactly what Hitler and his followers made of us. They tried to make us leave Germany on a “voluntary” basis; we were denied access to markets and forbidden to advertise. We were harassed and attacked while walking through the streets. Many towns even set up signs that said Jews were forbidden to enter.”

“Was there no one to restrict Hitler’s anti-Semitic actions?” 

“Until 1934, there was Hindenburg as the president who was supposed to control the chancellor, but he was pressurised into not doing anything against Hitler. In August 1934, he died and with that Hitler was the sole head of state without any controlling institution. The rest of 1934 was fairly quiet, without any additional decrees or restrictions against Jews. This made us calm down a bit, thinking or rather hoping that Hitler’s anti-Semitic policies had found an end. But yet again, we were wrong.”

“What happened?” Hogan asked. 

Charlie snorted. “In May 1935, the conscription law was introduced. But we Jews were excluded from it, because it was a “service of honour to the German people”, and we were unfit for doing such a service of honour.”

“You said you and your family left in 1935. Was it because of that?”

Charlie shook his head. “My dad was outrageous that we were denied serving our country, but not outrageous enough to consider leaving Germany. No, the reason why we left was the introduction of the Nuremberg laws in September 1935.”

“Nuremberg laws?”

“There were two of them and I was so shocked that I can still recite them by memory. The first one defined who was a German citizen. It said, “A subject of the state enjoys the protection of the German Reich. A Reich citizen is of German or related blood, and the Reich citizen is the sole bearer of full political rights”. From one day of the other, we Jews were no longer a German citizen and no longer protected by the state. The second law was called, “Law for the Protection of German Blood and German Honour”. It forbids marriages and extramarital relations between Jews and German citizens or related blood. If you were caught being part of this kind of relationship, both partners got punished. It ranged from public humiliation to prison sentences. It was in that moment that my dad realized that we were no longer safe in Germany. The next day, he went to the American embassy and applied for a residence permit and for the American citizenship for my mom and me. Luckily for us, it was immediately granted because my dad was an American. Otherwise, we might have had to stay in Germany like many other Jews who were not granted a residence permit; and the reason for that was that the British or American authorities wanted to have Jews as little as the German authorities wanted.”

“What happened after you arrived in the US?” Hogan inquired, still shocked beyond belief by what his XO had told him. 

“We moved back to Littleton, and my father opened up another antique shop with an office for accounting. He wanted me to be part of the business, but I refused. I felt the obligation to show my gratitude for being allowed to come to the US. Although I knew that it was no act of mercy by the American authorities to grant us the citizenship and that they have refused to offer asylum to many other Jewish companions, I was still grateful for my rescue. With a fresh certificate in mechanical engineering, I went to the next recruiting office and enlisted. When the officer saw my degree, he suggested the Air Force to me; he said they were looking for clever men who could invent new planes. I enlisted into officer’s training for becoming an officer in the Air Force, and one year later, I was given my golden bars.” Charlie drove with his hand through his brown locks. “At first, my best friend wrote me letter with secret messages in it, telling me about the newest policy against Jews. But those letters stopped in 1938. When England and France declared war on Germany after it had attacked Poland, I immediately asked my CO to transfer me to the RAF. At first he said that was not possible, but after hours of pleading he caved in and said he would arrange something with an old friend in the RAF. One week later, I found myself on a ship to England.”

“And now you are here,” Hogan concluded.

“Now I am here.” Charlie gazed into Hogan’s eyes and said, “You know, Rob, all those anti-Semitic policies by the German government is not what hurts me. It’s the reaction of the people. I considered most of Fellen’s inhabitants as my friends; and even those I was not so close with always treated me with respect. We were one big family in Fellen. But as soon as Hitler became chancellor, this family broke apart. We Jewish members were treated as outcastes, we were viewed inferior and insidious. People that I had known for my whole life, who considered me a friend, suddenly said we would endanger the pureness of the German blood. They treated us like we were no human beings; as if we were animals. And just because some idiot said we would not belong to the “ethnic community”.” Charlie pointed to the scar on his cheekbone. “One of my best friends did that to me. I wanted to enter the local library, but in his opinion, only Arians, the master race, were permitted entrance. We got into a clash, and I ended up being beaten up by four former classmates.” 

As Charlie looked into his CO’s brown eyes, which were filled with compassion for him, he broke down. Tears started streaming down his cheeks and heart-wrenching sobs left his lips. “I was…I was a stranger in my own home. That’s what hurts the most.” 

He put his head in his hands and cried, not caring what Hogan thought of him. Moments later, he felt strong arms circling around his body. “I’m so, so sorry for what you had to endure, Charlie,” Hogan said as he pulled Charlie closer to him, settling his head on his shoulder.

With that simple action, Hogan teared down the wall Charlie had built around his heart that protected him from his painful feelings. He buried his face in the crook of Hogan’s neck, just as he had done week ago after he had been beaten and cried. He let out all the pain that had filled up his body and simply cried. The whole time, Hogan held him close, rubbing across Charlie’s back to comfort him.

“Let it out, Charlie. I’m here.”

It broke Hogan’s heart to see the other man in so much pain. The man he had fallen in love with. Although he had tried to ignore it for the past two weeks, had tried to bury his feelings in the depths of his mind, Hogan could no longer deny it. Every time he looked at Charlie, seeing him smiling back at him or simply being happy, Hogan’s heart jumped. Just seeing the other man happy made him happy. Charlie was the first thing on his mind when he woke up in the morning, and he was the last thought on his mind before he fell asleep. And now he held the man he loved in his arms as he tried to comfort him.

Hours of crying went by, in which Hogan held Charlie close while whispering words of comfort. Eventually, the crying stopped, and Charlie fell asleep in Hogan’s arms, his body too exhausted from the emotional distress it felt. Hogan stood up and carefully laid Charlie down on his bed and tugged him in. Then he reclined in his own bed, but found it hard to find sleep. To many thoughts were on his mind. When Hogan finally fell asleep, Charlie was yet again the last thing he thought about.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be a long chapter with a lot of Hebrew in it. I want to apologize beforehand for having something wrong. I do not speak Hebrew, but I have researched a lot. I also want to apologize if I got Jewish customs and traditions wrong. But as you will see in the chapter, Charlie will explain that he does a few things differently because of the war. I hope you guys will understand.

_As usual, Hogan awoke while Charlie was in the washroom, taking a shower. He drove with his hands across his face to wake himself up, and when his still sleepy mind was active enough, he threw the blanket back and sat up. He did not immediately stand up, because he was still too drowsy to do anything besides sitting. Hogan blinked a few times and stretched his arms, which made him more awake. After another yawn had left his lips, he rose to his feet and began to unbutton his pyjama shirt, throwing it on his bed. Hogan scratched his chest, which was mostly free of hair except for a few black hairs grouped around his nipples, while he looked around the room in search for his slippers._

_The door opened and in stepped Charlie; like every morning, he was only dressed in a pair of blue military-issued shorts and a white towel wrapped around his neck. Water droplets were running down his chest towards the waistband of his shorts and his wild almond brown locks were damp._

_"Good morning, Rob!” Charlie greeted cheerfully._

_“Morning,” Hogan replied, sounding a bit grumpy; he was simply no morning person._

_As Hogan looked up from the ground, still not having found his slippers, his eyes were almost popping out of his head. Again, as usual. Charlie’s shirtless and wet appearance always sent a shiver down Hogan’s spine and his blood into a certain body part further south. He tried very hard not to gawk, and when his eyes found Charlie’s, a seductive smile circled around the other man’s lips._

_“Like what ya see?” Charlie asked with a wink._

_“No!” Hogan exclaimed. “I mean…I was just…I didn’t mean to…,” he stammered, much to Charlie’s amusement._

_The man with the locks stepped closer to Hogan and asked, “What were you doing?”_

_Hogan felt how his cheeks turned bright red. “I was just thinking –“_

_“Thinking about doing something in particular with my body?” Charlie gave Hogan a playful smirk and another wink._

_Hogan turned even more red, which was answer enough for Charlie. He pulled his towel from his neck and threw it on his bed; then he stepped closer to Hogan and pushed him on his own bed. He instantly followed the older man, lying down right on top of him._

_Completely perplexed, Hogan placed his hands on Charlie’s back and stared at him for a moment. When his mind had processed what was happening, he asked, “What are you doing?”_

_“Something I’m sure you have thought about a lot lately.” Charlie’s greyish-green blue eyes held an exceptional sparkle as he looked into Hogan’s eyes. Slowly, he leaned down and placed his lips on his CO’s, first kissing him lightly, then a bit more forcefully._

_As Charlie pulled back, Hogan stared at him, completely dazed and breathless from the kiss. When he had regained his senses, he stammered in a husky voice, “Charlie…I don’t…I don’t think –“_

_"Please,” Charlie interjected. “Do you really want to tell me you have not dreamed about this?” Receiving no answer, only an unfocused stare, Charlie said, “One word, and I will stop.” He leaned back in, his lips almost touching Hogan’s ears. “All it takes is just one word.”_

_Between the feelings of arousal and lust, Hogan tried to keep a clear head and made the attempt to form the sentence that would make Charlie stop. But as soon as he felt the younger man’s lips licking around the outside of his ear, Hogan’s mind went blank and his heart took control over his words. “No…don’t stop.”_

_Charlie retreated from his ear and smirked. “I thought so much.”_

_He placed his lips on Hogan’s again, but this time, his tongue sneaked out and painted a thin glaze of saliva on his CO’s lips. A muffled moan escaped Hogan’s mouth, and Charlie used the small crack to push his tongue into the other man’s mouth. He moved his tongue all around Hogan’s mouth, tasting every inch of it. With every time that Charlie’s tongue touched his, Hogan’s mind got more clouded, and all he could do was driving with his hands across the other man’s back. After sensuous minutes, Charlie pulled back and immediately placed his swollen lips on Hogan’s Adam’s apple, covering it with light pecks. Hogan growled as the other man’s tongue licked across his heated skin, teasing him. Then Charlie’s head went further down, and suddenly Hogan felt the other man’s clever tongue on his nipple, sucking on it. Once again, a deep moan left his lips and he buried his fingers in Charlie’s brown curls. Charlie eagerly licked across his CO’s dark brown nipples, switching from sucking with his lips to playful biting with his teeth. He left the left nipple and gave the right one the same attention, until he had Hogan writhing and groaning underneath him. The hands in his hair had clenched into fists, slightly pulling on his locks. Charlie crawled further south, tucking at Hogan’s pyjama pants. Hogan raised his hips, with that making it easy for Charlie to free him from his pants and shorts._

_When Charlie had removed Hogan’s shorts, the corners of his mouth raised into a sly smile upon seeing the other man’s manhood already pointing towards him, ready for action. But Charlie decided to tease his CO a bit more, and therefore, he began to kiss around Hogan’s cock. He made a detour to Hogan’s balls, and under the sound of lustful moans, he kissed and gently rolled them around in his hand. Charlie kept it up until he had Hogan squirming. He turned his attention to Hogan’s now rock-hard erection, placing a kiss on the head. As he licked along the full length of his cock, Hogan continued squirming while tugging at Charlie’s hair more._

_After minutes of licking, Hogan managed to plead in a husky voice, “Charlie…please.” He could not say anything more, his voice seemingly stuck in his throat._

_It was enough to make Charlie smile. He looked up to Hogan and said, “Your wish is my command.”_

_Charlie bent down again and put Hogan’s cock in his mouth. The warmth around his manhood made Hogan moan loudly and buck, pushing himself deeper in the other man’s mouth. Charlie went not for gently love-making, instead he sucked Hogan’s cock hard, bringing the other man quickly to his peak of pleasure. A hoarse cry left Hogan’s lips as he came, burying his fingers even deeper in Charlie’s hair._

~HHHHHH~

As soon as Hogan opened his eyes, he drove with his hands across his face and sighed. Yet another sex dream about Charlie. Just like every night now ever since his second-in-command had been punched by another airman. The hours they had spent together, huddled close to each other and sharing parts of their past made Hogan yearn for much intimate hours. And even though he admitted to himself that he loved Charlie, he stuck to his decision to ignore his feelings for the other man. Simply because it was for **another man**. But the last five days since Charlie had opened up to him about him being a Jewish-German made it hard for Hogan to ignore his growing feelings, because the trust Charlie had shown him attracted him even more to the younger man.

Hogan sighed once again. He threw the blanket back and when he sat up, he felt his crotch being covered in a sticky substance. Hogan groaned in annoyance as he removed his pyjama pants and shorts; once more, he had come in real life while dreaming about having sex with his second-in-command. How he hated his body for feeling and reacting the way it did! Why could he not feel like a normal man and be attracted to women? Why?

He rose to his feet and went over to his locker, searching for a new pair of shorts and his brown uniform pants. Hogan threw the dirty shorts forcefully in his locker to clean it later when he was alone. He really could do without the other officers knowing that he had a sex dream; they would only grill him about the details, and he was in no mood to make a story up. As Hogan buckled his pants up, the door opened and in stepped a wet Charlie.

“Good morning, Rob!” Charlie greeted while walking to his own locker.

“Morning, Charlie,” Hogan answered. “Ready for a new day?”

“Sure.” Charlie dried himself and put the towel on a chair’s backrest. “Oh, I realized I haven’t yet thanked you properly for not holding my German heritage against me.”

Hogan knitted his eyebrows. “Why should I hold it against you? It’s not a crime to be German; it’s a crime to be a Nazi and act the way people have acted towards you.”

While Charlie got dressed, he said, “I thank you because your reaction is not a naturalness. What I have experienced in Germany showed me that for a lot of people, simply belonging to a group is reason enough for hate and exclusion.”

“Well, I’m not so narrow-minded like other people. I care for a person’s character, not its heritage.”

Charlie gave Hogan a relieved smile. He sat down on his bed to pull on his shoes when he asked, “By the way, tonight is the night before sabbath. Usually, I pray here, but if you feel uncomfortable, I can go somewhere else.”

“Don’t you dare!” Hogan exclaimed. “It’s your belief, and I want you to do it here. Don’t think you living your Jewish belief makes me uncomfortable; far from it. I’m actually interested in learning more about it.”

“You are?”

Hogan nodded. “Very definitely. I’m curious to learn the differences between Christianity and Judaism.”

Charlie nodded and went back to tying his shoes. Then he got an idea. “Do you want to take part in the evening prayer? The best way to learn about the Jewish belief is taking part in it.”

“I would be delighted; that is if it’s not annoying to you to explain everything to me,” Hogan said as he threw his leather jacket on.

“Not at all.” Charlie stood up and went over to his locker to retrieve his garrison cap. “And in return, you show me Christian rituals and traditions.”

Hogan smiled. “We have a deal.”

~HHHHHH~

_Few minutes before sunset…_

Hogan hurried through the hallway of the building housing the officers. He speeded up the stairs and walked right, rushing to his room. Charlie had told him at dinner that he should meet him at their room two minutes ago, but a meeting with Bennett and the other squadron leaders took longer than expected; two egoistic squadron leaders could not agree on which squadron would fly an important bombing raid. And now Hogan only hoped that he was not all too late. After all, it was a huge sign of honour for Charlie inviting him to an essential ritual of the Jewish belief.

When he finally arrived at his room, Hogan opened the door and stepped in. He found Charlie sitting on the ground, a white round fabric covering part of his head and dressed in civilian clothes. He was placing two candles before him when he looked up and smiled at him.

“I hope I’m not late,” Hogan said as he closed the door. “The damn meeting didn’t want to stop.”

“You’re right on time. I just was about to start.” Charlie pointed at a spot on the ground across from him. “Come and sit down.”

Hogan took off his brown leather jacket and threw it on Charlie’s bed. He pulled up his pants a bit and sat down cross-legged.

“Shabbat is our day of rest and seventh day of the week. I know that for Christians, Sunday is their holy day; for us Jews, it’s Saturday. Shabbat is usually observed from a few minutes before sunset on Friday evening until Saturday night, and we are refrained from work activities to engage in restful activities for honouring the day. But since I can’t just quit being a soldier for a whole day, I only do the evening prayer on Friday,” Charlie explained.

Unsure if it was rude to ask, Hogan hesitantly pointed at Charlie’s head covering. “I hope you are not mad for me asking, but what are you wearing on your head? And why are you dressed in civilian clothes?”

Instead of looking angry, a smile flashed across Charlie’s features. “Please, Rob, never hesitate to ask. There are no stupid or rude questions. If you want to know something, the best way to find out is to ask.” He looked down and drove with his right hand over his pearly-white shirt’s left sleeve. “When we celebrate Shabbat, it’s customary to wear nice clothing; you know, different from during the week. That’s why I always keep a pair of civilian clothes in my locker.” Then Charlie pointed to the brimless cap on his head and said, “As for that? It’s called a kippah; male Jews wear it. The Orthodox authorities require that the head must be covered. Orthodox Jews usually wear it at all times; the rest of us mostly when we pray or enter a synagogue.” He rummaged through a box next to him, pulling out another kippah which was light blue. “The one I’m wearing belonged to my grandfather. My dad gave it to me the day I left for England; he said so that my grandfather’s spirit would always protect me. I wear it to feel closer to my family, but I brought my own kippah with me too. If you want, you can wear it.”

Hogan stared at Charlie for a moment, baffled by yet another honourable action. Then he reached out and said, “I would be honoured.” He took the kippah from Charlie and placed the cap on his black hair, asking, “Am I wearing it correctly?”

Charlie chuckled. “Yes, you do. Now you look like a right Jew.” He pulled a box of matches from his pants’ pocket and said, “According to the Torah, which is like the Bible for Christians, God commands us to observe and remember Shabbat. That’s why we lit two candles to welcome Shabbat. Usually they are lit by the woman of the house, but if a man lives alone, he lights them.” Charlie looked at Hogan. “Although my mother spoke Yiddish with me, she always recited the prayers in Hebrew. After I have prayed, I will translate it for you.”

“Thank you,” Hogan said, amazed at how thoughtful Charlie was. It was this respect and thoughtfulness that made him angry as he thought back to what the other man had told him about the treatment of Jewish believers in Germany; and as he had witnessed himself, to some degree also here at their very own airbase.

Firmly holding the box of matches in his right fist, Charlie prayed, “ _Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu, Melekh ha’olam, asher kid’shanu b’mitzvotav v’tzivanu l’hadlik ner shel Shabbat_. Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the universe, Who has sanctified us with His commandments and commanded us to light the Shabbat candles.”

Hogan watched how Charlie took a match and carefully lit the two candles. Then he put the box of matches back into his pockets and began to sing something while holding his hands with the palm upwards in front of him. Hogan watched him, unable to understand the words. The language Charlie used was one he had never heard before in his entire life. Even though he could not make out the meaning of the words, the tune and melody sounded joyful, and Hogan enjoyed the sound of Charlie’s voice. After minutes of singing, Charlie’s voice lapsed into silence. He put his hands on his thighs and looked up at Hogan.

“The essential part of the Friday night prayer is the dinner,” Charlie began to explain. “But before it is served, we sing two songs. One is to greet two Shabbat angels into the house. The other is to praise the woman of the house for all the work she has done over the past week. Since there is no woman here, I left this one out.”

“What language was that?” Hogan asked.

“It’s Yiddish; one of the two major languages of the Jews. The other one is Hebrew. Especially the European Jews use Yiddish, and it’s the language I grew up with.”

Hogan nodded slowly, staring at the yellow-orange light of the two candles, the only source of light in the otherwise darkened room. “You said there is a dinner. How did you manage to prepare one without giving away that you are Jewish?”

“I haven’t,” Charlie said. “It’s customary to have three festive meals during Shabbat; in the evening on Friday, and in the early afternoon and late afternoon on Saturday. As you have rightly mentioned, I’m not able to prepare a festive meal here. That’s why I only have wine and challah, which you usually have before the meal.”

“Challah?” Hogan asked.

“It’s a special bread for Jewish ceremonial occasions,” Charlie said. “I buy it every week at a Jewish shop in town.” He reached into the box the kippah was in and produced a bottle of wine and two glasses. He put them on the ground next to the candles; the same he did with the loaf of bread he took out of the box next. He pulled a white cloth from his pockets and covered the bread.

“Before drinking the wine, you recite a blessing called _kiddush_ , which means sanctification. It’s a bit long, but stay with me.” Charlie closed his eyes and said, “ _Vaihi-erev, vaihi-voker. Yom Ha-shishi, Vaikhulu Ha-shamayim ve-ha’aretz ve-khol tzev’am: vaikhal Elohim bayom hashevi’I, melakhto asher ‘asah vaiyishbot baiyom hashevi’I mikol melakhto asher ‘asah: vaiyvarekh Elohim et-yom hashevi’I, vaikadesh oto, ki vo shavat mikol melaktho asher bara Elohim la’asot_. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day. Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them. And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made. And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made. _Barukh attah Adonai Eloheinu melekh ha-olam, borei pe’ri hagafen. Barukh attah Adonai Eloheinu melekh ha-olam, asher kiddeshanu be-mitzvotai ve-ratza vanu, ve-shabbat kodsho be’ahavah uv’ratzon hinchilanu, zikaron le’ma’aseh ve’reishit. Ki hu yom techillah lemikra’ei kodesh, zekher litzi’at mitzrayim. Ki vanu vacharta, ve’otanu kiddahta, mikol ha-‘amim. Ve-shabbat kodeshekha be-ahavah uv’ratzon hinchaltanu. Barukh attah Adonai me-kadesh ha-Shabbat. Amen._ Blessed art Thou, Adonai our God, King of the universe, Who creates the fruit of the vine. Blessed are You, Lord, King of the universe, who made us holy with his commandments and favoured us, and gave us His holy Shabbat, in love and favour, to be our heritage, as a reminder of the Creation. It is the foremost day of the holy festivals marking the Exodus from Egypt. For out of all the nations You chose us and made us holy, and You gave us Your holy Shabbat, in love and favour, as our heritage. Blessed are you Lord, Who sanctifies the Shabbat. Amen.”

Charlie opened his eyes, his greyish-green blue eyes shining in the light of the candles. While he opened the bottle of wine and poured the red liquid in the two glasses, he said, “After the _kiddush_ , each of the participants gets a glass of wine. Usually you have a special cup for that, but as so many times before, I have to improvise. But I’m sure God will understand it.”

He handed Hogan a glass and they both drank from it.

“I’m sure he will,” Hogan said when he was finished. “We live in difficult times that demand a lot of old traditions being bend a bit.”

The corners of Charlie’s mouth raised into a smile. “That’s a good way to put it.” He removed the cloth from the bread while explaining, “Normally, a blessing for the food would follow. But that’s another part I changed a bit because of the time. Now is the time I pray for peace. Again, it’s a bit long, but just stick with me.” Charlie closed his eyes once more and began reciting. “ _Y’hi ratzon milfanekha Adonai Eloheinu v’elohey avoteynu v’imoteynu shetvatel milkhamot u’sh’fikhut damim min ha’olam v’tamshikh shalom gadol v’nifla ba’olam v’lo yisa goy el goy kherev v’lo yilm’du od milkhamah. Rak yakiru v’yadu kol yoshvey tevel ha’emet la’amito asher lo banu lazeh ha’olam bishvil riv u’makahloket v’lo bishvil sin’ah v’kinah v’kintur ushpikat damim. Rak banu la’olam k’dey otkha titbarekh lanetzakh. U’vkhen t’rakhem aleynu v’kayim banu mikrah shekatov v’natati shalom ba’aretz ushkhavtem v’eyn makharid v’hishbati khayah ra’ah min ha’aretz v’kherev lo taavor b’artzekhem v’yagel kamim mishpat o’tzdakah k’nakhal eytan. Ki malah ha’aretz da’ah et Adonai kamim l’yam m’khasim_. May it be your will, Eternal One, our God, God of our ancestors, that wars and bloodshed be abolished from the world, and bring into the world a great and wonderful and lasting peace. And let no nation lift a sword against a nation – let them learn no more the ways of war! Let all who dwell on earth simply acknowledge the truth of truths: that we have not come into this world for the sake of quarrelling and war, nor for the sake of hatred, jealousy, anger, or bloodshed; rather, we have come into this world only to know You – may You be blessed eternally! Therefore, have mercy on us, and fulfil among us what is written in your Scripture: “I shall give peace upon the earth, and you shall lie down with none to make you afraid. I shall abolish from the earth the predatory beast. The sword shall never come upon your land. Justice shall roll down like the water, and righteousness like a mighty stream. For the earth shall be filled with the knowledge of The Omnipresent, as the waters fill the seas.”.”

When Charlie opened his eyes again, Hogan said in a soft voice, “That is a beautiful prayer. And so fitting for our time.”

“That’s why I use it. To pray for peace and an ending of this senseless and gruesome killing.” Charlie took a knife from the box and cut the bread in half. He gave one piece to Hogan and said, “Enjoy your meal!”

As they both ate their piece of bread, they used the time to talk.

“Is there something similar to Shabbat in Christianity?” Charlie wanted to know.

“Not really. I mean, we have the Eucharist, which the Catholics usually celebrate every church service, and we Protestants mostly have it only for special occasions,” Hogan informed him.

“The Eucharist?”

“It’s a reminder of Jesus’ last meal before he was betrayed by Judas. The church community has wine and host which equals Jesus’ blood and body. And Sunday is our day without work. But that’s the only thing fairly similar to Shabbat.”

“Interesting to see how both religions use wine and bread for religious occasions,” Charlie pointed out. “So you are a Protestant?”

“Well, I’m a Methodist. But this group belongs to the Protestant confession. You know, we have a lot of different Protestant groups in the US.”

Charlie smiled. “I understand. There are a lot of different Jewish groups too. Mainly we differ between Orthodox, Conservative, Reconstructionist, and Reform movements; I belong to the latter one.” He took the last bite from his piece of bread and said, “If you want, I can show you a real Shabbat service after the war. You could come and visit me and my family. Then you can see how we normally do it.”

“I would love that,” Hogan said. “In return, you can visit my family and we show you a Methodist church service.”

“I would love that too.” Charlie filled the two empty wine glasses once more before putting the wine bottle back into the box. He retrieved a small bag from it which he placed next to his wine glass. “Since I only celebrate the Friday night prayer, I close it with the _havdalah_ blessing, which is used to close Shabbat as a whole on Saturday night. I will need your help with that, alright?”

“If you tell me what to do, sure.”

“Normally, you have a special candle for the closing blessing, which I do not possess. If that is the case, we Jews simply hold the flame of two candles together.” Charlie took the candles in his hands and gave one to Hogan. They held the candles so that the two flames were joined, and Charlie placed the cups of wine underneath the candles. “The first blessing is over wine. _Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu, Melekh ha’olam, bo’re p’ri hagefen._ Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the universe, Who creates the fruit of vine.”

With his free hand, Charlie grabbed one of the glasses and drank from it; Hogan followed him suit. After the wine was finished, Charlie took the small bag and opened it, which was slightly difficult with only one free hand. “After the next blessing, we smell sweet spices that are in this bag. It is for beautifying and honouring God’s commands. _Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu, melekh ha’olam, bo’re minei b’samim._ Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the universe, Who creates varieties of spices.”

He gave the bag to Hogan, who smelled the sweet aroma of the spices. “What a beautiful smell,” he said as he handed the bag back to Charlie.

“I know. That’s why it’s my favourite part of Shabbat.” Charlie closed the bag and put it back into the box. “Now we put the candles on the ground and hold our hands over the light.”

Hogan did as told and waited for Charlie to continue.

“ _Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu, melekh ha’olam, bo’re m’orei ha’esh_. Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the universe, Who creates he lights of the fire.”

Charlie looked at Hogan and put his hands back on his thighs. “The last blessing of Shabbat is a praise to God for separating the holy from the every-day. “ _Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu, melekh ha’olam, ha’mavdil bein kodesh l’hol, bein yom ha’sh’vi’I l’sheshet y’mei ha’ma’a’se. Barukh ata Adonai, ha’mavdil bein kodesh l’hol_. Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the universe, Who distinguishes between the sacred and the secular, between the light and dark, between Israel and the nations, between the seventh day and the six days of labour. Blessed are You, Lord, Who distinguishes between the sacred and the secular.”

Charlie rose to his feet to turn on his nightstand lamp. “And with that, this quick version of Shabbat is over.” He went back to where Hogan still sat on the ground and blew out the candles. As he put he candles in the box, he took of his kippah and put it back too.

Hogan removed the kippah on his head as well and handed it to Charlie. “Thank you for letting me participate in this special occasion. I know it’s not taken for granted to be allowed to participate in another groups believe, and I found it very interesting and exciting.”

As Charlie closed the box’s lid, putting it back in his locker, he said, “I think the strongest reason of why people hate another group, whether it is a religious group or people from another country, is lack of knowledge. You see that a person does something different then how you were taught, maybe speaks another language or looks differently, maybe this person even does things you have never seen before. And human beings hate not knowing everything. So this uneasiness of not knowing is changing into fear, and to cope with the fear people start hating this other group. In my opinion, the best way to stop hatred between the people is explaining the difference, and with that showing that we are basically all the same.”

Hogan stood up and walked over to his bed. “After the war, I’m sure everything will be changed.”

A bittersweet smile found its way on Charlie’s face. “I think you are right. But I’m certain we think in different directions.”


	9. Chapter 9

Just before the earth was completely covered by the darkness, Charlie used the last rays of lightness for a walk through the airbase. In about an hour, he was supposed to fly a bombing raid together with Hogan and their crew. And Charlie always used this last hour to walk through the airbase by himself, enjoying his possible last hours on earth. Every bombing raid could be his last; and even if he survived a crash, the “H” on his dog tag was like a bright mark saying, “Death”. Although captured Airmen were supposed to be protected by the Geneva Convention, this protection did not apply for Jewish airmen captured by the Nazis. He thought about his parents and his friends he grew up with, about the joyful days of his childhood and the sorrowful days of his adult life. And like every time before a bombing raid, he prayed that one day he would be able to see his friends again; alive, not marked with tombstones. 

But this time, this were not the only thoughts running through Charlie’s head. Every now and then, his mind wandered to Hogan, his CO and secret love. Since he had told him about him being Jewish and German, Charlie felt how his love for the older man grew stronger and deeper with every passing day. And it scared him. He feared that he might act on his feelings one day, and with that losing the closest friend he had ever since he escaped to the United States. And what it made even harder for Charlie to not act on the love he felt for his CO was that a little voice in the back of his mind thought Hogan felt the same. The looks Hogan gave him in the morning or when he played pool always held something special, a feeling Charlie could not pin down. But whatever it was, he would never know, because there was no way on earth he would ever made a move on his CO. Their friendship was simply too precious for Charlie to destroy it.

Completely lost in his thoughts, Charlie lost track of time. A voice calling out behind him took him back to reality. “Charlie! There you are!” Charlie turned around to see Hogan jogging towards him. “The briefing for tonight’s bombing raid starts in ten minutes. What are you doing here?”

Charlie looked up to the sky, which was now pitch-black and covered in stars. “Enjoying my possible last hours on this beautiful planet.”

Hogan stopped next to him and looked up too. “Don’t be so pessimistic. Everything will be alright.”

Charlie shook his head. “You don’t know that, Rob. There’s a lot of flak in Germany, and they have great fighter pilots.”

“So what?” Hogan asked. “Even if we’ll be shot down, we have a chance to escape back to England. And if not, we will probably get captured and be brought to a POW camp. Not the end of the world.”

A sad smile circled around Charlie’s lips and a small laugh escaped his lips. “For you, yes. For me, no.” He turned to face his CO, whose face bore a confused expression. Charlie grabbed into his collar and shook his dog tags for Hogan to see. “I’m Jewish, Rob. As soon as the Nazis see the H on these, I’ll be on the next train to a labour camp; if I’m lucky.”

Hogan had no idea what to answer and only stared at his second-in-command. Charlie directed his gaze back at the sky above them and said, “The stars shine brightly tonight. My mom always said, “A sky full of stars is a sign of luck”. Maybe the luck is on our side tonight.”

“Don’t worry, Charlie,” Hogan said eventually. “It will be. I assure that to you.”

“If you say so.” After some minutes, Charlie looked back at Hogan. “I think we should go now. The briefing is about to start.”

Without waiting for an answer from his CO, Charlie turned around and headed to the briefing room. Hogan followed him a few seconds later, and the two men walked in silence, each wrapped up in their own thoughts.

~HHHHHH~

This night, their target was a munitions factory in the near of Bremen, in the northern part of Germany. On their way to the factory, everything was quiet and Charlie and Hogan only had to concentrate on the directions given by Morris, their navigator. But that changed as soon as they dived down and dropped their bombs on the factory. Suddenly, the whole sky was flooding with Luftwaffe fighter squadrons, and from beneath, flak was shooting at them. 

While Roberts, Jenkins, and West were busy shooting at the enemy planes, Roberts called out, “What the hell is going on here?” He stopped when a fighter appeared right in front of them. He fired his machine gun and when he managed to shoot the plane down, he yelled, “It seems like every plane the Luftwaffe possesses is after us!”

Meanwhile, Hogan and Charlie concentrated on evading the planes and the flak, which was quite a difficult task. 

“Watch out, Rob! The flak is really heavy tonight!” Charlie informed his CO.

“What do you think I’m trying to do here?” Hogan pushed the button for the radio connection to Roberts and ordered, “Not so much complaining, Sergeant! Concentrate on shooting Krauts down.”

“Yessir!” Roberts’ voice rang through the radio.

They took a hit to their right, which made the plane shook. Seconds later, Charlie heard Kelly’s voice over the radio. “They hit the wing and part of the body, but the engine’s fine!”

Seconds after Kelly’s report, there was another hit, but this time, the impact was on the back. Right on cue, West, the rear gunner, called out, “Sir, it’s too much here! A whole squadron is chasing us, and I don’t know where to shoot first.” The fear in the 19-year-old’s voice was clearly evident.

“Just concentrate on shooting, West,” Hogan said over the radio, his voice calm and confident. “I trust you to take good care of us.”

This simple comment seemed to boost West’s self-confidence. Now sure of himself, he said, “Yessir! Thank you, Sir.”

Hogan and Charlie continued trying to evade enemy fire, but it was getting tougher and tougher. The Luftwaffe pilots shot their escorting RAF fighter pilots down by the dozen, which meant that their bomber was hit almost every second. 

After they took another hit close to the engine, Charlie called, “We have to bail out, Rob! There are no fighter planes left to protect us, and at this rate, I don’t think we manage to fly over the Channel. And if we bail out now, we still have a chance to survive.”

“We’re not bailing out,” Hogan said, his tone harsh, showing his concentration and hinting at his despair.

He pushed the nose of their plane down, flying straight down towards earth. Then he pulled the plane up again, now flying at a lower altitude. This manoeuvre confused the Germans enough to give them a few seconds of peace.

Charlie, who was completely confused at his CO’s words and actions, yelled, “What the hell was that? And what do you mean, “We’re not bailing out”?”

“I’m making it hard for the Germans to hit us.” Hogan made another crazy flight manoeuvre, going up, right, and then back down again. “And even though we’re on a first-name basis, I’m your CO. If I say we’re not bailing out, we are not bailing out.”

“And as your second-in-command, it’s my right and responsibility to ask why.” 

Although they took another hit, Hogan’s dipsy-doodle helped to shake most of the Germans off. When the coast was clearer, he turned to face Charlie. “I won’t let the Germans catch you,” he said in a soft and caring voice before he turned his attention back to flying their plane home.

His CO’s answer stunned Charlie, making him speechless. All he could do was looking out the windshield at the pitch-black sky as his mind tried to process what Hogan had said to him; the way Hogan said what he had said. His chocolate brown eyes had directed a mysterious sparkle at Charlie, and he was not sure what that sparkle meant. It had looked like Hogan wanted to say more but had not have the courage, and therefore, his eyes showed this feeling, this desire. But Charlie could not pinpoint what exactly Hogan hid from him.

They safely made it back over the Channel, heading for their base. The rest of the flight was spent in silence, as Charlie tried still tried to comprehend the last few minutes while Hogan did not see the need to disturb this for him calming silence; he was too wrapped up in his own thoughts. His romantic feelings for Charlie had made him risk his entire crew just to save his second-in-command from a possible deadly fate. It was the first time for Hogan to have made a risky military decision not based on rational numbers, but on personal feelings. Because of romantic feelings for one of his crew members. And this showed Hogan one thing: his infatuation for Charlie was more than a mere crush, and it was much more dangerous for him than he had thought.

~HHHHHH~

After more or less successfully arriving back at the airbase, Hogan and Charlie went for debriefing at Bennett’s office. They reported the course of the bombing and how they were hunted by at least a dozen of German fighter squadrons. Charlie told Bennett all about Hogan’s excellent flying and dodging manoeuvres, which got Hogan an approving nod from Bennett. Then they left the Air Commodore’s office to head for their room. 

Upon entering their room, Charlie went straight to his locker and took of his jacket. Hogan lingered by the door, watching how his second-in-command put his tight blue officer’s jacket into his locker with a longing sparkle in his eyes.

“I still can’t believe you risked the lives of the entire crew just because of me,” Charlie said with his back turned to Hogan. When he received no answer, Charlie turned around and saw this yearning expression in his CO’s face. “Rob, are you…are you alright?” Again, no answer. “Rob?” Charlie asked one more time.

Suddenly, Hogan pushed himself from the door and marched over to Charlie. He pushed him against his locker and pressed his lips against Charlie’s, giving him a deep kiss while driving through his second-in-command’s almond brown locks. Charlie was totally caught off guard, but quickly leaned into the kiss, driving with his hands all over Hogan’s back. Hogan intensified the kiss, pushing his tongue into Charlie’s mouth and tasting every inch of it. All Charlie could to was moan, which was muffled by Hogan’s mouth on his. He pushed his CO’s brown leather jacket from his shoulder, letting it drop on the floor. Completely out of breath, Hogan retreated from Charlie’s lips, but immediately pulled him away from the locker and pushed him on his bed. He followed him on the bed and laid down on his second-in-command, placing his lips once more on the other man’s lips. This time, Charlie was the one who pushed his tongue in Hogan’s mouth to taste the older man. All the while, he buried his right hand in Hogan’s thick black hair and held his head close. With his left hand, he continued to drive across his back, receiving a pleasuring moan from his CO. When they broke apart, Hogan began to kiss and gently suck at the warm skin of Charlie’s neck, careful to not leave a mark behind. This elicited a loud groan from Charlie, who pressed Hogan tightly against him. Hogan stayed there for a while longer before sitting up on his knees, beginning to unbutton his beige officer shirt. Charlie followed him suit, and soon they both threw their shirts away, exposing their naked chests to each other. Charlie gazed a long time at Hogan’s chest, enjoying the view from his reclined position. Then he pulled Hogan down on the bed, shifting their position so that he was now lying on top of his CO. Charlie immediately darted for Hogan’s chest, licking between his pectorals before nibbling at his right nipple. He felt Hogan’s chest vibrating as a guttural moan left his lips, and he buried his hands in Charlie’s brown locks. Charlie licked a last time across the brown flesh before giving the other nipple equal attention. Hogan’s head was spinning, both from the arousal he felt washing through his body and from the fact that Charlie did exactly what he had dreamt about. When Charlie stopped, he looked Hogan deep in the eyes and was greeted with brown eyes glazed over with passion. For him, it was the sign to go further. He kissed down Hogan’s chest to his belly button, and while he swirled his tongue around it, he unbuckled and unbuttoned his CO’s brown officer’s pants. Charlie pulled the pants down and threw it away, seeing a bulge under the shorts that hinted at the erection Hogan was sporting. Charlie tenderly stroked over it, with that making Hogan moan passionately. He bent down and kissed the bulge underneath the fabric to tease Hogan and to prolong a sight he wished to see for the past weeks. Another loud groan escaped Hogan’s lips and he raised his hips a bit to make Charlie continue. His second-in-command got the hint and stopped kissing the bulge, instead removing the last piece of fabric on Hogan’s body. His CO’s erection sprung towards him, its head shiny with pre-cum. Charlie licked across his lips before lowering his head and licking with his tongue over the cock’s head. Hogan moaned and clenched his fists in Charlie’s hair, tucking at his brown locks. However, Charlie felt not uncomfortable since he always liked it rough. He moved his tongue up and down Hogan’s shaft until he had his CO squirming.

“Charlie…please,” was all Hogan’s passion-filled brain could manage to say.

A smile circled around Charlie’s lips as he looked up from Hogan’s cock, seeing how his CO had closed his eyes and already breathed faster. He bent down again and engulfed Hogan’s hard manhood in his mouth, going down halfway before going back up. He swirled with his tongue around the head and then he went back to sucking, always taking a bit more in his mouth. One moan after the other left Hogan’s lips as he gripped the blanket underneath him tightly, his knuckles turning white. Charlie briefly sucked at Hogan’s balls before he took his cock to the root, burying his nose in his CO’s black pubic hair. This was all that it took to bring Hogan over the edge. Without a chance to warn Charlie, he came with a hoarse cry, shooting his semen in the other man’s mouth. Charlie swallowed the white substance and removed his mouth, licking a last time along the shaft. He crawled to Hogan’s head and placed his head on his chest. While he listened to Hogan’s heart beating rapidly, he wrapped an arm around his CO’s waist, not wasting one thought about receiving equal pleasure from the other man.

It took a while for Hogan’s mind to return to earth. Never in his life had he received such a mind-blowing blowjob; yet alone had he received a blowjob from a man! With Theo, it had only been touching and nothing else. And now Hogan looked down at the curly head lying on his chest and despite the still-present ill-feeling concerning sleeping with a man, he wanted to give Charlie the same pleasure that he had given him. But he had never given someone a blowjob and had no idea how to do it. Hogan looked down at Charlie again and decided to simply do what previous girlfriends had done to him. He pushed Charlie from his chest onto the bed and laid down on him, pressing his lips on Charlie’s while putting his right hand in his brown locks. And then he did exactly what Charlie had done to him. First he kissed down to Charlie’s chest before sucking on his nipples. Then he licked down to the waistband of his blue RAF pants, quickly unbuttoning it and removing the pants and shorts. When Hogan caught sight of Charlie’s erection, he hesitated a bit, doubting if he could really give him a blowjob. But he quickly discarded those thoughts and bent down to lick across the head and shaft. He heard Charlie moan loudly, but it looked to him as if Charlie had sensed that he had not much experience, because he did not place his hands on his head; something Hogan was glad about. If Charlie had done that, Hogan doubted he could have gone through with the blowjob since he would have felt restricted in his freedom. It was a crazy thought, especially since he had done the exact same thing with Charlie only minutes ago, but he had an aversion for being “manhandled”, which was how he would have felt. Instead, Charlie gripped the blanket underneath him just like Hogan had done. When Charlie’s cock was completely hard, Hogan took a deep breath before taking it in his mouth, slowly moving his head up and down. He was surprised at the taste, or more precisely, at the lack of it; he had expected to be confronted with a bitter taste. A loud groan from Charlie directed Hogan’s attention at the man he was pleasuring, and he saw how the younger man was squirming underneath him. Hogan increased the speed, but only took Charlie’s cock halfway because of the gag reflex he felt when the head pushed against the back of his throat. 

He continued his swift movement when Charlie suddenly exhaled, “Rob…”

Hogan got the hint and removed his mouth, not feeling ready to swallow another man’s semen. Instead he wrapped his hand around Charlie’s manhood to finish him off. A guttural moan left Charlie’s lips as he came, covering Hogan’s hand with the sticky substance. While Charlie breathed heavily, Hogan wiped his hand clean at the blanket and laid down next to him, realizing what they had done. They had slept with each other; and he had started it! How should he look Charlie in the eyes ever again? How should they work together in the future? How should he act towards him? All those questions were racing through his mind when he felt Charlie stirring next to him, who suddenly placed his head on his chest again. First, Hogan had no idea how to react; should he stay where he was or should he push him away and lie down in his own bed? He looked down at Charlie and saw how he was already asleep, his hand placed next to his head on his chest. This sight somehow made the decision for Hogan; despite the fear for the next morning, he decided to simply enjoy the moment. He wrapped his left arm around Charlie’s back and closed his eyes, his exhausted mind quickly drifting into the comforting darkness of sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

Charlie awoke slowly, for once not being ripped out of his sleep by the shrill sound of his alarm clock. After a bombing raid, the participating squadrons were allowed to sleep in; a reward for their important work. His mind needed a few minutes to wake up, but when it did, images of what he and Hogan did the last night appeared. His first reaction was to smile. Then he registered that his head was lying on his pillow and not on Hogan’s chest, which puzzled him. He opened his eyes and raised himself up on his right elbow, driving with his left hand over his face and through his hair. Charlie looked around the room, but there was no sign of Hogan. Then the door opened and the man in question entered the small room.

Upon seeing Hogan, Charlie’s smile instantly grew bigger. “Good morning, Rob,” he said as he sat up on the bed, fishing for his shorts on the ground next to it.

A grumbled, “Morning,” was all he got, with Hogan barely looking at him.

Charlie was baffled at the other man’s tone. Sure, Hogan was no morning person, but after last night, he had expected a warmer greeting. Charlie rose to his feet and went over to the lockers, where Hogan was currently rummaging through. He had his back turned to the younger man, and therefore, he had no idea what Charlie was up to. At the moment, he simply tried to prolong an inevitable conversation as long as possible. But suddenly, he felt arms wrapping around his waist and warm lips on the sensitive skin behind his ear.

“Is everything alright, Rob?” Charlie whispered.

Hogan swirled around and shoved Charlie away from him. “I’m completely fine.”

Charlie stared at the older man with wide eyes, taken aback by Hogan’s harsh actions. “Obviously not. Otherwise you wouldn’t be the way you are right now,” he stated. “Did I do something wrong last night? I thought you enjoyed it.”

“Of course I –“ Hogan bit his tongue before a confirmation could slip over it. He drove with his hand through his thick black hair as he went over to his bed. “There is just no reason to act as if something has changed between us. It was an one-off mistake; nothing more and nothing less.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Charlie practically yelled. “You didn’t act as if it was a mistake last night.”

“It was, alright?” Hogan stared intensely in Charlie’s blue eyes, hurt and disappointment shining brightly in them. “But there is no reason to throw our friendship away…or our brilliant working relationship. We just act as if nothing has ever happened.”

For a while, Charlie simply stared at Hogan, not knowing what to say. So many emotions were racing through his body, each trying to take control over him. Hurt, disbelief, fury. Then he slowly nodded, a strand of his locks falling into his face. “Ah, I see. You’re one of those.”

“One of whom?” Hogan asked.

“One of those who cannot accept that they’re gay. And to cope with this feeling of fear, you try to hurt me.”

“You’re crazy!” Hogan huffed, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “I’m not gay. What we did was just a mistake.”

Charlie laughed as he turned to his locker, pulling out clothes to get dressed. “Of course you are, Rob! Already forgotten that you were the one who started it? Out of whatever dumb reason, you first risked the entire crew because of me, and then you pushed me against the locker in a heated kiss. If this doesn’t scream “gay”, I will give up my captain’s bars.”

Being called what deep down he knew he was scared Hogan. It scared him to death. Therefore, he reacted the way he always did when he was confronted with this particular side of him: denial. “Then I would suggest you hand me your bars, _Lieutenant_ ,” Hogan said in a commanding tone. “I’m not like you; I’m normal. And I never want to talk about last night ever again. Have I made myself clear?”

As Charlie put on his blue jacket, he looked at the man he fell in love with. The mischievous sparkle he liked so much was gone, and those brown eyes only radiated hatred. Charlie sighed as he felt his heart breaking. He swallowed down the knot in his throat and saluted. “Yes, Sir.”

Charlie put on his blue garrison cap and shuffled out of the room, leaving Hogan behind. As soon as the door snapped shut, Hogan fell down on his bed and covered his face with his hands. He hated himself so much. Not only had he hurt his closest friend around here, he had also hurt his love. The only person ever to accept him just the way he was. And to top this already huge mess, he knew exactly how Charlie felt. Because what he had done was the same thing Theo had done to him all those years ago: he had broken the younger man’s heart. Hogan felt tears welling up inside him, which he tried to fight but eventually failed. The rest of the morning he spent lying on his bed, silently crying over the stupidest mistake he had ever made in his entire life.

~HHHHHH~

As soon as he had closed the door, Charlie rushed out the building with no destination in mind. All he knew was that he had to get away from Hogan as fast as possible. He felt tears in the corner of his eyes as he ran across the airbase’s compound, running into a few comrades on his way. They shoved him away annoyedly, but no one cared enough to ask what was wrong. They presumed that he just got a letter informing him of the death of a loved one; he would not be the first one to run away from everyone after receiving such a letter. After endless minutes of running thoughtlessly around, Charlie eventually arrived at the officer’s club. Even at such an early hour, the club was already opened; it rarely had closed. He wiped with his jacket’s sleeve across his face before opening the door and heading straight to the bar.

“One pint, please,” Charlie said as he plopped down on one of the bar’s stools.

“You’re early, Captain Stewart,” replied the barman, Corporal Miller. “Bad news from home?”

“That’s none of your business, Miller,” Charlie hissed. “Just give me the damn beer.”

Miller fell silent and went away to get the ordered beer. In the meantime, Charlie grabbed one of the small bowls with nuts on the counter and began to eat them; his first meal of the day. Miller returned shortly after, placing the glass of beer right in front of Charlie.

“Here you go, Captain.” He watched how the other man emptied half of the glass in one gulf and knitted his eyebrows. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about whatever’s bothering you?”

Charlie emptied the rest of his glass before answering, “Damn sure.” He pushed the glass towards Miller. “Another one.”

Miller crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Seriously, Captain? It’s not even ten o’clock in the morning.”

Charlie glared at the blond barman. “I don’t care if it’s ten in the morning or ten in the evening. If I want another beer, you will give it to me. Understood?”

Miller sighed, but reluctantly complied. He filled the glass with the gold liquid and gave it back to Charlie, who immediately took a big gulp from it.

Miller observed Charlie, watching how the other man switched between snacking from the bowl full of nuts and drinking from his glass of beer. He knew the captain well enough to know that something was seriously wrong. Although Charlie came almost every night to the club, he never came in the morning. He only ever came after dinner. Having him drink so much in such a short amount of time in the morning meant that something terrible has happened; extremely terrible.

“Has something happened during the raid?” Miller inquired. “I heard it was pretty rough.”

“The raid was alright,” Charlie grumbled. “I told you, it’s none of your business. Just give me another beer.”

“Captain –“ Miller started.

“I said, give me another pint!” Charlie barked.

He glared ferociously at the corporal, and to Miller, it seemed as if he was ready to beat him up if he did not give him the alcoholic beverage. With another sigh, Miller took the empty glass and filled it up again. Then he excused himself for a few minutes as he went into the backroom to clean it.

Sitting alone in the otherwise empty club gave Charlie the chance to think about the mess he was in. He should have known that Hogan was one of them. How stupid of him to hope for a different reaction. High-ranking officers like Hogan never admitted their homosexuality. They might act on it, but they never admit it. Was it not enough that he had made this experience once? Did he have to fall for another officer? Charlie sighed and put his head in his hands. Shortly after arriving at the airbase, he got involved with a lieutenant colonel named James Martin. It was a rough relationship. James was incredible afraid of someone finding out about them, about his homosexuality, and therefore, they argued with each other every time they had slept with each other. James was angry at himself, saying that they had to stop, and Charlie tried to talk him out of it. However, they way it ended was much more painful than James’ constant doubting. After almost being caught, he stormed out of the room. The next day, Charlie learned that James had asked for transfer and already left the base; without saying goodbye to him! That day, Charlie’s heart broke, and it took him a long time to glue it back together. And after finally coming to terms with what happened, he went out and let his heart be broken for a second time.

_"I’m not like you; I’m normal.”_

Hogan’s words rang like gunshots in Charlie’s mind, hitting right into his heart. In his half-drunken mind, Hogan’s voice mixed with his father’s.

_"_ _It’s not normal, Charlie. In the eye of the Lord, you are a sinner. Don’t you understand that I only want the best for you?”_

Charlie scoffed. The best for him. In his father’s opinion, the best for him was to be bashed until he admitted his sin and promised to never act upon those unnatural feelings ever again. At the age of fourteen, his father had found him kissing a neighbourhood boy in his room. It had been his first kiss, and what followed was a week of being beaten black and blue by his father.

A wave of anger washed through his body that made Charlie slam his fist on the counter. Oh, how he hated his life sometimes. His parents thought he was not normal because of his attraction to the same gender, and the people in his home country thought he was not normal because of his religion. Why? What had he done to deserve this life? Charlie shook his head as he emptied his glass. Oh, how he sometimes hated his life.

~HHHHHH~

The rest of the day, Charlie switched between drinking and playing pool. At around eight in the evening, he was completely drunk, struggling to keep his balance while walking. Still, he had no intention to stop drinking. And that was how Hogan found him.

“Miller...give me...another pint!” Charlie almost yelled.

“I’m sorry, Captain, but I think you had enough. Go to your room and sleep it off.”

“Don’t tell me...what to do!” Charlie hissed. “You’re not...my mother...When I...want another beer...you give it...to me.”

But Miller shook his head. “As the barman, I have a responsibility towards you guys. And you definitely had enough.”

When Hogan entered the club, his only wish was to get drunk. After he had stopped crying at around midday, he first went to the workshop to discuss with the mechanics the damage that his squadron’s planes had received, and then he went to a strategy meeting with the other squadron leaders. However, he was not able to concentrate on what was being discussed; the whole time, Charlie and the last night were the only things on his mind. His thoughts grew so strong that they gave him a headache, which made him go to the club even though he feared to meet Charlie; he was sure that the younger man was there. But actually seeing Charlie, and seeing how he almost jumped over the counter still surprised him. 

He quickly marched over to the counter and pulled Charlie away from it. “What is going on here?” he asked.

Charlie slapped his hand from his shoulder and exclaimed, “Get your hands...off from me!”

“We just have a little dispute over the captain’s alcohol consumption, Colonel,” Miller informed him.

“I can smell that,” Hogan said, wrinkling his nose. He turned to the barman and asked, “Since when is he drinking?”

“Since ten in the morning, Sir.”

Charlie leaned on the counter and slurred, “Now that we have…we have discussed that…you can…you can give me another pint.”

“I already told you, Captain. You won’t get anymore beer today,” Miller sternly stated.

“I agree with the corporal,” Hogan said. “You should go to our room and sleep, Charlie.”

Charlie turned his head to face Hogan and laughed. “Oh, since…since when do you care…again, Sir?” He looked at Miller again as he pushed himself from the counter. “Alright, when I won’t…get what I want…from you, I will go to one…to one of the pubs in town. They will surely...appreciate my money.”

As he stepped away from the counter, Charlie stumbled and almost fell down, but Hogan’s quick reaction prevented that. He caught his second-in-command and pushed him back against the counter.

“You are not going anywhere in your condition except to our room,” Hogan said.

“I go…wherever I want to go.” Charlie made another attempt to walk away, but in his drunken condition, he stumbled again. Once more, Hogan caught him, but this time, he did not let go of him. He kept his arm wrapped around Charlie’s back, wanting to escort him to their room. However, Charlie pushed him away and yelled, “I said, don’t touch me! I don’t…need help…and especially not from you!”

Staggered by Charlie’s reaction, Hogan stared at him, his facial expression betraying his astonishment. Ryan, who sat by the counter and had watched his friend the whole night, growing more and more concerned with every drink Charlie ordered, jumped up and rushed to Charlie.

“Charlie, I think the Colonel’s right. Why don’t we go to your room? I’m sure you could use some sleep.” Ryan had one hand placed on Charlie’s shoulder as he gave him a soft smile. “What do you say?”

Charlie looked into Ryan’s green eyes that were full of worry for him. Slowly, Charlie nodded and said, “Yeah, I think you’re right. I had quite a few pints to drink, didn’t I?”

Ryan nodded and steadied Charlie on their way out of the club. Hogan watched them go, a feeling of guilt and sadness rising in him. He was the reason why his second-in-command drank himself into oblivion, and now he did not even want to talk to him. But who could blame him? After everything Hogan had said, he would be angry at Charlie too if it was the other way around. And one thing was for sure: tomorrow’s bombing raid would be an unpleasant task.


	11. Chapter 11

When Charlie awoke the next morning, he immediately felt the results of his excessive drinking session. His head felt like someone was playing the drums on it, and his mind was spinning around, making him feel nauseous. He groaned as he rolled on his back, angry at his own stupidity. Why had he done that? Drinking himself into oblivion over Hogan’s action did not make the older man feel bad, but only hurt himself more. But still, in that moment, it seemed to be the best solution; drinking until his heart was numb. Now he was lying in his bed, his heart not numb anymore, and the pain over Hogan’s rejection hit hard into his stomach. Charlie felt how tears wanted to roll down his cheek, but he forcefully rubbed with his hands across his face. No, he would not cry over another person. Not again. So Hogan was too afraid to admit his homosexuality to himself. Not his problem; he would find the right person, who accepted himself as who he was.

Charlie took a deep breath before trying to sit up. After fighting down a nausea attack as soon as he had lifted his head from the pillow and struggling to sit upright with his mind spinning around, Charlie managed to sit on his bed. He rubbed with his hands over both of his temples to make the spinning stop, which it eventually did; however, the throbbing in his head had only increased with the change in position. He looked around the empty room, already brightly enlightened by the sunlight coming through the window. Charlie spotted a glass of water on his nightstand with two aspirin next to it. He reached out and took the pills, washing them down with a big gulp from the glass. As he placed the glass back on the nightstand, he heard how the door was opened. Charlie turned his head and saw how Hogan stepped into their room.

“Good morning,” greeted the older man.

“Morning,” mumbled Charlie. “What time is it?”

“It’s nine o’clock.”

“Nine?!” Charlie exclaimed, instantly regretting his raised voice as daggers shot through his head. He put his right hand against his temple and said, “I missed breakfast. And the meeting with Air Commodore Bennett.”

“Here, I brought you breakfast.” Hogan placed the covered plate on his second-in-command’s nightstand before continuing, “And don’t worry about the meeting. I told Bennett you were not feeling well and that you were resting for tonight’s bombing raid.”

Charlie was surprised by Hogan’s thoughtfulness after his harsh tone yesterday morning. But the prospect of food made him ignore his puzzlement. He reached for the plate and said, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Hogan sat down on his bed and watched Charlie slowly eating the food. So many thoughts were on his mind, and he had no idea how or when he should bring those thoughts up. When the other man was almost finished, Hogan blurted out, “I’m sorry.”

Charlie stopped eating and looked up. “For what?”

“For how I reacted yesterday. I shouldn’t have been so harsh to you. And I’m sorry that you drank yourself into oblivion because of me.”

“You don’t have to say something you don’t mean just to make me feel better,” Charlie snorted.

“I really mean it,” Hogan said. “It’s just –“

“That I’m not normal. I get it.” Charlie lowered his gaze and ate the last of his toast.

Hogan drove with his hand through his hair. “That’s one of the things I’m sorry about. I shouldn’t have said that to you. I don’t know what has gotten into me. Of course you are normal.”

A sarcastic laugh escaped Charlie’s lips. “I know what has gotten into you. Your afraid of your homosexuality which you don’t want to admit to yourself.” He put the plate back on his nightstand. “Apology not accepted. And you know why? I believe that people speak the truth when they are angry. Give them time, and they will lie to you.”

“I’m not lying to you! I truly am sorry.” Hogan looked into Charlie’s greenish blue eyes and saw plain hurt radiating in them. “But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m not gay.”

Charlie shook his head and slowly hoisted himself up on his feet. “If you want to lie to yourself, who am I to stop you.” Still being dressed in his uniform, he carefully walked to the door as the spinning in his head returned.

Hogan also rose to his feet. “Don’t go, Charlie. We have to talk about this issue between us.”

Steadying himself against the door, Charlie turned around and said, “There is nothing to talk about. And if I want to leave, I will leave!”

Hogan went to the door and pressed it shut with his hand. “I can also pull rank if you wish that. We have a bombing raid tonight; I won’t allow you to get drunk again.”

Charlie took a deep breath as he tried to fight against the wave of fury that washed through his body. “First, pull rank all you want; I don’t care. Second, do you really think I would get fucked up on a day we have a raid? If yes, that shows how little you know me. And third, if I don’t leave now, I will punch you in the face, which I don’t want to. So, either you step away from the door, or you find yourself on the ground with a bloody nose. What do you want?”

Hogan watched Charlie’s outburst with utter astonishment. He had known Charlie for a little more than one month now, and never had he seen this angry. The younger man was the calmness in itself; for him to be this livid, Hogan must have struck a nerve. He looked him in the eyes, and saw that the hurt had turned into a furious glare. Hogan sighed and stepped back from the door, directing his gaze to the ground.

Charlie watched his commanding officer retreat from the door like a beaten dog, and for a short moment, he felt pity. But then he realized that it was Hogan’s own fault, and the feeling of pity vanished. He opened the door and left the room, heading towards the workshop where he knew he would find Ryan.

~HHHHHH~

In the night, Charlie and Hogan found themselves in the cockpit of their Short Stirling, flying their plane to a bridge used by the _Wehrmacht_ to move tanks towards Northern Africa. The atmosphere in the cockpit was tense; you could have cut through it with a knife. Neither Hogan nor Charlie had said a word since they took off, and they had not spoken to each other the whole day either. Charlie was still incredible angry at Hogan for hurting his feelings just because he was too afraid of his sexuality, and after Charlie’s outburst earlier, Hogan had no idea what to say to him. So both simply stayed quiet and concentrated on the mission.

After being halfway over Germany, Hogan could not stand the silence any longer. It was crushing for him, and he found it hard to concentrate the longer the silence went on. “Seems like most of the Luftwaffe is sleeping.”

Charlie did not answer, only stared straight ahead into the pitch-black sky.

Hogan sighed as he turned to look at his second-in-command. “Come on, Charlie. Do you really want to continue ignoring me? You’re my co-pilot; we have to talk. Besides, I thought we are friends.”

His words hung in the air for a few moments before Charlie slowly turned his head. “Since when do I _have_ to talk to you. And who said that we are still friends?” He directed his gaze back at the sky in front of him, his mimic unreadable.

Charlie’s words stabbed like a knife right into Hogan’s heart. He felt a knot forming in his stomach as he said, “Please, Charlie. I value our friendship too much to let it be destroyed.”

Charlie shook his head. “Maybe you should have thought about that before you slept with me. Or before you called me “not normal”.”

“How often do I have to apologize for that? I already told you that I’m sorry for saying that to you; I shouldn’t have done that.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that you said it.” Charlie sighed. “You know, I’ve been called that a lot of times in the past. But the people always thought I wasn’t normal because of my religion. After everything I told you about my past, about what I went through because I was Jewish, I thought you would understand what it means if someone acts pejoratively towards another just because their different. And in this case, we’re not even different. Looks like I was wrong.”

“Charlie, I’m –“

“Just stop it,” Charlie interrupted Hogan. “I don’t want to hear any more of your excuses. Just leave me alone and stop trying to make things alright again, because you can’t. Things will never be like they used to be between us. And I would appreciate you respecting my wish.”

Hogan stared at him, seeing the tenseness in Charlie’s features as the moonlight shined through the cockpit glass. He bid his bottom lip as he felt how tears were welling up inside him. Taking a deep breath, he turned his head again and whispered, “I truly am sorry. I wish I could turn back time and prevent this whole mess. But if that’s what you want, I will stop bothering you.”

Hogan did not see it, but Charlie was fighting with his own tears at that moment. Oh, how he wished that things could be normal between them again, but his still present love for his CO prevented that. Every time Charlie looked into Hogan’s brown eyes, images of them lying in bed together, cuddling or simply holding each other while talking appeared in his mind. But knowing that Hogan denied this side of him, obviously not ready to explore their future together, made his heart break into a million pieces. And acting as if they were nothing more than friends after having slept with each other only crushed the remaining pieces of his heart to dust. No, it would be easier for both of them to simply act as fellow crew members; nothing more, nothing less. Charlie knew it would be hard, but it was easier than the alternative.

How he hoped that the war would be over soon so that he never had to see Hogan again in his life.


	12. Chapter 12

Hogan sat all by himself at a table in the officer’s club, watching how Charlie eased another airman from his money. It had been one week now since Charlie had stopped talking to him. Only when there was a bombing raid did the younger man conversate with him; and even then it were only the bare necessities. Every time they were in their room and Charlie was ignoring him, Hogan’s heart ached. He might be succeeding in lying to his brain, but not in lying to his heart. His heart knew that Charlie was right. He was gay, and he loved the younger man with the brown locks. But he could not get his brain to accept those facts. His brain still pretended that he was a straight man, only interested in women, and women only. And Hogan had no idea what he really feared. The pejorative minds of the people around him? Maybe, but only in the back of his mind. Rejection? No, Charlie’s reaction had showed him that the other man cared for him too. What was is then that made him hurt the man he loved? Maybe it was that accepting his homosexual side meant to give up on the picture he had built of himself in his mind. He was Colonel Robert Hogan, flying ace and womanizer, always having another woman by his side. That’s how he pictured himself. Eventually he would settle down with a wife in his suburban house that was surrounded by a white fence, a couple of kids running around the backyard while he went through paperwork with his general stars on his shoulders. That was how he imagined his life to be. Not spending his life with another guy. No, he had buried that thought right after Theo broke up with him. 

Theo. It all came back to him. One boy who could not accept his feelings ruined him forever. Hogan sighed and pinched the back of his nose as he realized that he was just like Theo. The only reason he insulted Charlie was because he could not accept his attraction to men. Why was he doing the exact same thing the one person had done that had hurt him the most in his life? And not to anyone, but to his best friend on this airbase, who trusted him enough to tell him about his Jewish and German heritage. 

As Hogan looked at Charlie again, who was surrounded by a huge crowd of airmen, he realized another thing. Charlie was not only his best friend on this airbase, but also his only one. The last week, he had tried to mingle with the other officers, but they seemed rather hostile towards him. Probably a mixture of him being a colonel, and with that one of the highest-ranking officers on base, and him being American. That other airmen interacted only reluctantly with a colonel was nothing new to him, but that they acted hostile towards him because he was a different nationality was a first for him. And he was only American. He could only imagine how the other airmen would treat Charlie when word came out that he was German! This thought hurt Hogan all the more, because it showed him once more the immense trust Charlie had put in him. And of course he had to go out and destroy this trust by calling him “not normal”. 

Hogan sighed again. He had really messed up. Big-time. He heard the crowd cheering as Charlie won another game. Hogan looked in the direction of the pool table and caught sight of his second-in-command, beaming with joy while he collected the money from the new airman he had challenged. It was the first time since their clash that he had seen Charlie happy, and it sent another dagger through his heart. He took the beer glass and emptied it in one big gulp. Then he rose to his feet and left the club, heading for the washroom. He just wanted to take a cold shower and then go to sleep. He would probably cry himself to sleep again, just like he had done the past seven days.

~HHHHHH~

The next day, Charlie ran out of the officer’s building with no destination in mind. He just had to get away from there. He had no idea how long he ran, but eventually, he ended up behind one of the storage barracks. Charlie slumped down against it, putting his head in his hands. The past week had been an emotional torture for him, and today, it found its peak. Every time he was alone in a room with Hogan, he had the feeling he was suffocating. Their interactions were awkward, and Hogan acted around him as if he was walking on raw eggs. The situation between them was unbearable. But even when there was a bombing raid, during which Charlie really tried to act as a professional second-in-command, his anger and hurt over Hogan’s actions did not vanish; neither did the awkwardness. And now they just had a huge argument over dirty clothes. Charlie had no idea how it had come to the clash over such an irrelevancy; the only thing he knew was that he could not speak to Hogan without yelling at him. He tried to fight it, but every time he looked at Hogan, voices of his father and James mixed in his mind with Hogan’s painful words, and fury started to rise in him. 

Charlie sighed and rubbed across his face. This situation between them could no longer continue; he had to do something. This awkwardness was driving them both insane, and that they shared a room did not help the situation getting better. No, Charlie had to change something. Neither Hogan nor he were happy, both only trying to get through the day without upsetting or hurting the other. And he definitely did not want to live the next years like this.

He rose to his feet and made his way to the officer’s club to grab a drink and think about his future. No matter what he came up with at the end of the day, something would change. For the better or worse he did not yet know. 

~HHHHHH~

At around eight o’clock, Ryan entered the officer’s club, immediately spotting Charlie at a desk in the middle of the room. He ordered a glass beer at the bar and then went over to his best friend. 

Ryan pointed at a chair next to Charlie and asked, “May I?”

“Sure,” Charlie mumbled.

Ryan observed his friend for a few minutes. The dark circles around his eyes grew more dominant with each passing day, and whole in whole, Charlie looked completely worn out. His greyish-green blue eyes bore a sad tone, which they had not lost ever since his friend had drunken himself into oblivion one week ago. Ryan had asked him multiple times what the reason behind that was, but he had not yet received an answer.

“Is everything alright?” Ryan asked after a while.

“Sure it is,” Charlie answered. Then he sighed and closed his eyes. “Actually, nothing’s alright.”

Ryan was surprised at Charlie’s change of answer, but at the same time happy that his friend seemingly had decided to open up to him. “What’s wrong, Charlie? Has it something to do with last week?”

“You could say so.”

“Tell me, Charlie. I’m your friend, and I want to help you,” Ryan pleaded.

Charlie took a gulp from his glass and shook his head. “Nothing you have to worry about. It will be over in a few days anyway.”

“Why that?”

“Because,” Charlie rose to his feet. “I am going to Bennett now and ask for a transfer to another base.”

“What?” Ryan exclaimed. He also rose to his feet and pleaded, “Please, Charlie. Tell me what troubles you. Maybe we find a solution that doesn’t require you to transfer to another base.” 

Ryan felt like someone had hit him in the gut. Charlie was his best friend around here, the only one who had protected him from the other officers after arriving at the base. And he still protected him. The same officers continued teasing and bullying him whenever they had a chance. Ryan had no idea what provoked them to do so, but he knew that as long as Charlie was by his side, the officers did not dare to harm him. But with Charlie gone, the nightmare of his first days here would start all over again. Besides the protection, Ryan did not want to lose his best friend. And especially not without knowing what troubled his friend.

Charlie flashed Ryan a soft smile. “Thank you for your optimism, but there is no solution other than leaving the airbase.” 

He turned around and left the club, leaving a shocked Ryan behind. After minutes of staring at the door, hoping that Charlie might change his mind, he slowly sunk down on his chair as he realized that his friend would not come back. He had no idea how long he had stared into space, but he was brought back to reality when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Ryan turned his head and saw Hogan looking at him, his face full of concern.

“Is everything alright, Ryan?” asked his squadron leader.

“Oh…ahem…hello, Colonel Hogan,” Ryan stammered. “Sorry for…for not noticing you. I was thinking about…about something else.”

“I have noticed that. What’s on your mind?”

Ryan bid his bottom lip, debating whether he should tell his squadron leader about the transfer plans of his second-in-command. Charlie should do that, should he not? But maybe Hogan could convince him otherwise.

“It’s Charlie, Sir,” he eventually sighed. “He just left the club after telling me that he wants to ask Bennett for a transfer to another airbase.

All colour left Hogan’s face. “He wants what? Has he told you why?” Hogan felt his heart being torn apart. Of course he knew the reason behind Charlie’s wish. The last week had been a painful one with both circling around one another. He only hoped Charlie had not told Ryan anything about what had happened between them. His fear of admitting his sexuality to himself was still greater than the fear of losing the person he loved.

Ryan shook his head. “I begged him to talk to me, but he only said that the only solution was a transfer. Do you maybe know what the reason could be?”

His heart went back to beating in a regular speed upon the relief that filled his body. Seeing the questioning look on Ryan’s face made Hogan realize that he had been asked a question. “Sorry, I don’t know anything either.” Hogan shook his head. “Whatever it is, he has not talked to any of us.”

Ryan slowly nodded. Then he stood up and said, “I will leave then, Sir. Rather be alone now.”

Hogan watched him go, wondering what to do. Should he talk Charlie out of it? He did not want his second-in-command to leave. He was his best friend, and though Hogan still could not admit it out loud, he loved the younger man. But there was the problem of him not being able to accept his homosexuality. It would be cruel of him if he talked Charlie into staying here, only to hurt him everyday by not admitting his feelings. He could not do that; it would be unfair to Charlie. 

Just like Ryan earlier, Hogan was deep in his thoughts and did not know how long he sat at the table. Suddenly, a beer glass was put on his table and a person plopped down on the chair across from him.

“Penny for your thoughts?” asked the person in a happy tone.

When Hogan heard the voice, he almost fell from his chair. He directed his gaze at the person in front of him, catching sight of almond brown locks. “Charlie?” he whispered. A part of Hogan was too afraid that he was only hallucinating, the person in the other chair disappearing as soon as he said something.

“Who else would buy you a beer? The last week has shown that you don’t really have any friends around here except me.” Charlie leaned back in the chair, casually taking a sip from his own beer glass.

“I thought we weren’t friends anymore,” Hogan said in a normal tone, now sure that Charlie was very much real.

“I thought that too,” Charlie admitted. “But I have changed my mind.”

Hogan grabbed the glass, taking a big gulp from it. “After asking Bennet for a transfer to another airbase?”

“Oh, that? So you have met Nicholas.”

Hogan nodded. “I did. Was quite sad about you leaving him here alone.”

Charlie raised an eyebrow. “And what about you?”

“Hm?” was all Hogan managed, completely caught by surprise.

“I asked, are you also sad that I leave?”

Hogan looked in his glass, thinking about what to answer. Should he be fair and say no, making it easier for the other man to leave and move ahead? Or should he be honest, which would not prevent Charlie to leave, but maybe making it harder for him?

“I am. Very much indeed,” Hogan eventually said, deciding that if this was really one of their last conversations, he would not lie to the younger man.

“Then I have good news for you,” Charlie said as he leaned forward. “I’ll stay.”

“You what?” Hogan questioned, his heart beating in his ears. Was this maybe a dream after all?

Charlie chuckled. “I think you should clean your ears, Rob. I said, I will stay.”

“But what made you change your mind?”

“On my way to Bennett, I realized what it would mean if I left this base. Nicholas would lose his protection, and who knows what those idiots of officers do to him as soon as he is alone,” Charlie said. He bid his bottom lip before he spoke the words that were the hardest to say. “Besides, I’m your only friend around here. I can’t leave you all alone.” He flashed a smile at his commanding officer, but Hogan could tell it was no earnest smile.

Hogan stared at Charlie, needing a second to process what the other man had just said. “But what about the last week? I know how much my presence burdens you; how hard it is for both of us to act normal around each other.”

“Yeah, the last week was pretty rough, wasn’t it?” Charlie sipped at his glass. “That’s the other thing I realized. My grudge against you won’t make your fear of accepting who you are go away. It only makes things between us worse. So I decided to put my ill-feelings aside; for the sake of our friendship.”

“Charlie, I –“

“Don’t say anything,” Charlie interrupted. “It’s my own decision.” He looked past Hogan and saw that the pool table was empty. “You wanna play a game of pool?”

Hogan stared at Charlie, still not believing what his second-in-command just said. And though he doubted that Charlie was really alright with them just being friends, he decided to accept every piece of normality between them he could get. “I would love to.”

Charlie smiled and rose to his feet, walking over to the pool table. His heart was aching over offering Hogan a mere friendship, but he had realized something: having Hogan as a friend was better than not having him at all. And over time, he would get his heart to accept this truth too. At least he hoped so.


	13. Chapter 13

Another week had passed since Charlie and Hogan had somehow reconciled. For Charlie, this meant choking his feelings down, declining Hogan’s offers to accompany him to a pub in town, and smile whenever Hogan was looking at him. In general, he had to act as if nothing had ever happened. And Charlie was not even angry about it; how could he, when it was his own choice to live a life of hiding his feelings? No one had forced him to stay. He could have just gone to Bennett’s office that day and ask for a transfer. But he had decided to stay, because he knew his heart would ache even more if it did not have Hogan by its side. And a small voice in the back of Charlie’s mind still hoped that by the time the war ended, Hogan would have realized that he was gay, accepting this side of him and maybe make an attempt to start a relationship. This meant that Charlie would stay by Hogan’s side till the world had found peace again. Who knew if he would even see this day?

As for Hogan, the past week had been a rather joyful one. For him, everything was back to normal and his friendship to Charlie was not awkward anymore, but found to its old being. He could joke with the younger man, stay up late into the night and talk about their families and everything else that came to their minds, and most importantly, Charlie was laughing with him again. Everything was as good as it had been before their clash. Well, almost. Hogan’s sexual fantasies about his second-in-command had not vanished. He was still dreaming almost every night about the younger man with the wild locks, and the greater portion of those dreams were wet dreams. This meant that almost every day, he had to wash his shorts. It annoyed him, but Hogan hoped those dreams would vanish over time. And even if not, he just had to make it to the end of the war. Then they could go their separate ways, still seeing each other occasionally as friends, and Hogan could surround himself with lots of pretty ladies again. Yes, he just had to make it to the end of the war. Nothing easier than that, right?

At 2000 hours, Hogan and Charlie found themselves in the meeting room, talking with Air Commodore Bennett and a few other squadrons leaders about the last details of tonight’s bombing raid. Their target was the electricity plant near Essen, a big city in the Ruhr area. Without the plant, war production of tanks and airplanes came to a stop for the time being. First, the Germans had to repair the electricity plant, and then they had to build a new factory. And every delay in German war production saved countless of lives.

Charlie leaned against the wall in the back of the room while he listened to Bennett talking about the course of the raid. It was boring stuff. He explained which squadron had to be where, what each squadron’s exact target was, and which fighter squadrons were attached to which bomber squadron. To make it harder for the Germans to defend the main target, other bombers would attack minor targets around Essen, with that hoping to create enough diversion and confusion for the main bomber squadron to get through.

“Alright, gentlemen,” Bennett said after explaining everything. “It is of great importance that this electricity plant will be destroyed. It not only gives power to two major production plants in Essen, it also provides power for the whole city. With the city being in the dark, the authorities will first have to concentrate on bring power back to the city before the people will start to rebel. With that their attention is drawn away from the production plants, which gives our boys in Africa a bit of a breather.” He looked over the crowed and continued, “Colonel Hogan, I have assigned your squadron to attack the main target. Your record the last weeks was astonishing, and I trust you that this electricity plant will no longer stand after this night.”

Charlie turned his head to face Hogan, who said, “You can count on me and my men.”

“That’s what I wanted to hear,” Bennett answered. He nodded and said, “With that the meeting is over. I wish you good luck, and may God be with you all.”

“Thank you, Air Commodore,” muttered the men while shuffling out of the room.

Being in the back of the room, Hogan and Charlie were the last to leave. While they made their way to their plane, the two talked about the upcoming mission.

“I have a bad feeling, Rob.”

Hogan raised an eyebrow. “Concerning what?”

“The mission,” Charlie admitted. “The Germans have stocked up heavily lately, trying to gain total air superiority over Germany. The last bombing raids, we always managed to get away with a black eye, only a little damage here and there, but our luck is bound to run out. And I fear that today, it will.”

Hogan threw an arm around his XO’s shoulder, with that making Charlie’s neck hairs stand on end as a tingling warmth spread in his whole body. “Don’t meet trouble halfway! And don’t be so pessimistic. The German haven’t caught us the last times, and they won’t catch us today. We are simply too good at fooling them.” He squeezed Charlie’s shoulder. “Besides, I have told you once that I won’t let the Germans catch you. And I don’t intend to break my promise.”

Charlie sighed. “If you say so, Rob. I really hope you are right.”

~HHHHHH~

As if Charlie had sensed it, the bombing raid was going anything but good. Ever since arriving in German airspace, they had been under heavy fire from both the flak and the fighters, taking some painful blows. The same went for the other bombers. Now they were two kilometres away from their targets, and the flak-fire and the fire from the fighters were getting heavier and heavier.

“Rob, I think we should turn around. The fire is too heavy,” Charlie announced after the plane had shook because of another hit.

“We can’t turn around now!” Hogan exclaimed. “We’re only one minute away from the target.”

“We won’t make it! We have already lost three of our bombers and half of the fighter protection. The only way we will arrive at our target is by parachuting in it because our plane won’t make it,” Charlie reasoned. “It’s not worth it. We can try it another time.”

“Tell this the boys that fight at the front if another load of Tiger tanks chases them through the desert,” Hogan raged, trying hard to avoid fire from all the fighter planes around them.

“I will. Right after you have explained to the mothers of the airmen we have already lost and of those that we **will** lose that their sons are gone because of a stubborn man who was to proud to turn around!”

Hogan shot a glare at Charlie. “This has nothing to do with my pride.”

“Yes, it has. You have told Bennett that he can count on us, and now you don’t turn around because you don’t want it to look like you have chickened out even though it is the only reasonable thing to do,” Charlie countered. “Being a leader doesn’t mean to pull through every mission. It means to only take so much risk as that you don’t put your men at **unnecessary** risk.”

Hogan made a right turn to distract enemy planes before answering. “Listen, Charlie. We are going to destroy this electricity plant, and I don’t want to hear anything else from you. Are we clear?”

Charlie sighed. “Yes, we are. _Colonel Hogan_.”

“Good to hear.” Hogan had just turned to face the front again, when he suddenly heard a shattering sound and a painful groan right from him. He whirled his head around and was greeted by Charlie pressing his hand on his abdomen. “Charlie, what’s wrong?” he asked, instantly feeling a lump in his throat as panic rose in him.

“What does…it look like?” Charlie huffed. “I try…to…to put pressure…on a…bullet wound.”

“You’ve been hit?”

Hogan averted his attention from the planes in front of him and turned it to his second-in-command, stretching his hand out. However, Charlie pushed his hand away and spit, “Concentrate…on getting…us to this…damn…plant. I…I can…wait.”

“But Charlie –“

“No buts,” the younger man interrupted. “I have not…taken a bullet…just so that…you don’t…destroy…this…plant,” he said in between breaths.

Hogan watched Charlie for a second, seeing how his face constricted in a painful manner. Reluctantly, he turned his head around and increased the speed, now wanting to reach their target as fast as possible.

“Talk to me,” Hogan said. “What’s the status of your injury?”

“I’ve been…hit…in the…abdomen,” Charlie said, his breathing sounding ragged and laboured. “Left side…near the…loins.”

“Is there an exit wound?” asked Hogan, his voice a pitch higher than usual, betraying the intense worry and fear he felt for his second-in-command.

Charlie removed one and hand and touched around his back, feeling for a wound. When he found none he answered, “No…there is…none.” He put his hand back on the entry wound and saw how red his hands were. “Rob…the wound is…bleeding…quite…heavily.” A groan left his lips and he closed his eyes.

The painfilled groan made Hogan face Charlie. “Hey!” he exclaimed upon seeing Charlie’s eyes closed. “Keep your eyes open…and talk to me! In a few seconds, we’ll drop the bombs and then I will get us back to the base faster than the speed of light. Don’t worry about a thing.”

Charlie fought to open his eyes, what he eventually managed. A small laugh escaped his lips before he said, “Looks like…my gut…was right. Our luck…has…run out.”

“No, it hasn’t,” Hogan sternly said. “I will bring you back to the base where the doctor will patch you back up. I promise.” He pressed a button for the internal radio and asked, “How long till drop point, Morris?”

“Ten seconds, Sir!” rang Morris’ voice through the speaker.

“Alright. Aim to hit, Flight Sergeant,” Hogan said.

“That’s the only way I do it, Sir.”

Exactly ten seconds later, the high-pitched sound of bombs falling to earth rang through the airplane. And another five seconds later, the ground beneath them was lit on fire, while at the same time, the city’s lights went dark.

Through the radio, Hogan was able to hear the cheers of his crew. “Good work, men. Now let’s get home.” He turned the control stick to the left, with that turning the plane around; the direction of going home.

Hearing the ragged breathing next to him made Hogan turn his head, and he was greeted by the same scene as before. Charlie pressing down on his wound while his face was contorted in pain. He grabbed into his jacket’s pocket and retrieved a white woollen handkerchief. Hogan stretched it out to Charlie and said, “Here, press this on the wound. It’s not much, but better than nothing.”

Charlie gratefully accepted the fabric with a shaky hand and huffed, “Thank…you.”

Hogan looked back forward, and while he continued to try to avoid enemy fire, he switched the radio connection to the base on. “Colonel Hogan calling Martlesham Heath. Are you there Martlesham Heath?”

“I hear you loud and clearly, Colonel Hogan,” answered a voice through the radio.

“You can tell Air Commodore Bennett that the target has been destroyed.”

“The Air Commodore will be happy to hear that,” the voice said. “Anything else you want to report, Sir?”

“Yes. I want a doctor waiting for us on the tarmac. My XO, Captain Charlie Stewart, has been hit by enemy fire. He needs immediate medical attention.”

“Understood, Sir. I will inform the doctor.”

Hogan turned off the radio connection and said to his XO, “You see, Charlie? Everything will turn out fine.”

“If you…if you say…so.” A coughing fit struck Charlie, which made the pain from his abdomen spread out even more in his body. “How…ironic…The same…happened…to their late…XO…Only difference…is…that their…CO…is still…alive.”

Hogan shook his head. “That’s not the only difference. Contrary to Sergeant Smith, you will survive.” Charlie coughed again, after which his breathing sounded even more laboured. Hogan looked at him and softly said, “Save your strength, Charlie. Concentrate on pressing on the bullet wound and taking deep breaths. I worry about everything else.”

As Hogan raced through the pitch-black nights, still being hunted by German Messerschmitts, his heart pounded in his ears. He only hoped Charlie would hold on long enough. He did not want to lose him so soon after getting him back.

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

After having shaken off the enemy fighters, Hogan found himself halfway over the English Channel. And without having enemy fire to dodge, he could finally concentrate on his hurt second-in-command. Hogan switched on the autopilot and turned to Charlie, whose breathing sounded more laboured with every passing minute. Charlie, who had trouble keeping his eyes open, did not notice his CO kneeling next to him until he felt him move his hands away from the wound.

“Let me take a look at the wound,” Hogan said in a soothing voice.

He unbuttoned Charlie’s blue flying overall and shirt, revealing a hole in his left abdominal region. During the time which it took for Hogan to get away from the Germans, the wound had bled quite heavily, covering everything around the entry wound in a bright red colour.

“How does…it…look…like?” Charlie asked.

“Like a bullet wound,” Hogan joked, trying to lighten up the mood. “But seriously, I think it’s best if I bring you swiftly back to base.”

As he caught sight of the once white handkerchief in Charlie’s hand, which was now completely red, Hogan looked around the cockpit in search of something that he could use as a bandage. But since they were in a cockpit, the only things he saw were flying instruments. He sighed and looked down, his gaze landing on his body. A lightbulb went on in Hogan’s head and he quickly unzipped his jacket, throwing it on his seat. Then Hogan ripped the arms of his beige officer’s shirt off.

The ripping sound made Charlie turn his head. “What…are you…doing?”

“How does it look like? I’m making bandages for your wound.”

“But…but your…shirt.”

Hogan looked at him and smiled softly. “I have lots of spare shirts in my locker. One less won’t hurt me, but it will help you.”

He folded the two shirt arms, with that creating a rather thick bandage. When Hogan put it on Charlie’s wound, he realized that he needed something to create constant pressure on it; Charlie was too weak to do it himself. As another lightbulb went on, Hogan unbuckled his belt and removed it from his pants. He took the black leather belt and put it around Charlie’s body. When he pulled it tight, he heard a painfilled moan leaving his XO’s lips.

“I’m sorry, Charlie,” Hogan said while closing the belt. “But the pressure is necessary to stop the bleeding.”

When he had secured the belt around Charlie’s body, Hogan wiped his blood-stained hands on his trousers. Then he put his leather jacket back on and sat down on the captain’s seat, increasing the speed as much as the fuel reserves allowed it, praying that his make-shift compress was enough to keep Charlie alive.

~HHHHHH~

The rest of the flight Hogan spent with glancing at Charlie every few seconds and growing more afraid with every glance. Charlie was breathing slow and heavily, the rustle sound growing disturbingly loud over time. But he managed to keep his eyes open, even if his eyelids were halfway closed.

After what felt like an eternity, the voice of the navigator rang through the internal radio. “Five minutes till base, Sir.”

Hogan switched to the base-connected radio and called, “Colonel Hogan calling Martlesham Heath.”

"Yes, Colonel Hogan?”

“Five minutes away from you. Asking for permission to land.”

“Permission granted, Sir. Use airstrip 201. The doctor is waiting there for you.”

“Understood,” Hogan said as he switched off the radio. He turned to Charlie and asked, “You heard that, Charlie? We’re almost there; just hang on a little longer, alright?”

Charlie had to cough before he answered, “Al…right.”

Hogan prepared the landing, adjusting speed and altitude. Light as a feather, the big Short Sterling landed on the tarmac and came to a halt.

Hogan turned off the engine and rose to his feet. He slipped his hands under Charlie’s shoulders and legs and lifted him gently up. A small groan came from his XO, and Hogan whispered, “I got you, Charlie. Don’t worry.”

When he reached the latter, Hogan saw the infirmary doctor and two medics with a stretcher standing next to his plane. The doctor stepped on the first rung of the latter and reached out, saying, “Hand him over to me, Colonel. You will only fall down.”

Reluctantly, Hogan placed Charlie in the doctor’s awaiting arms, who immediately placed Charlie on the stretcher. Then the group rushed away from the plane in the direction of the infirmary. When Hogan reached the ground, he wanted to follow the doctor, but was stopped by a voice next to him.

“Ahem, Colonel Hogan. Air Commodore Bennett wants to see you in his office,” said Bennett’s aide.

“Can’t this wait till tomorrow?” asked Hogan annoyed. “I want to accompany my hurt second-in-command.”

The other man shook his head. “Sorry, Colonel. The Air Commodore ordered me to bring you to his office as soon as you landed.”

Hogan sighed and pinched the back of his nose. “Well, then let’s make this quick.” He stormed off towards the building in which Bennett’s office was, hoping that whatever Bennett wanted from him would be over quick; he hated to leave Charlie alone with his critical injury. All he wanted to do was holding Charlie’s hand and assure him that everything would be alright. To show him that he cared for him, that he was not alone. And deep down, Hogan knew that there was another reason: he wanted to assure himself that the person he loved was alright.

~HHHHHH~

As Hogan reached the office of Bennett’s secretary, which was of course empty considering it was one in the morning, Bennett’s aide pointed to a chair by the wall.

“You can wait here for Air Commodore Bennett,” the other man said.

Hogan stopped in his tracks and raised an eyebrow. “Wait? You mean Air Commodore Bennett isn’t here already?”

“No, Sir.” The other man shifted his weight from one foot to the other under Hogan’s stare. “I have to wake the Air Commodore now; he ordered me to first get you and then him.”

Hogan snorted. “I can’t believe it!” When Bennett’s aide had not moved, he called, “Now get him!”

The other man nodded and gave Hogan a quick salute before rushing to get Bennett. In the meantime, Hogan looked around the room, shaking his head as he felt fury and disbelief rising in him. One of his men, his best friend and love, was severely hurt and he could not be there for him because an old general demanded to talk to him without even being there! How he hated those generals who thought the whole world centred around them. Figuring it would take some time until Bennett showed up, Hogan plopped down on one of the chairs. Being alone in a quiet room gave him time to think about what had happened. Charlie was hurt; and just because he was too stubborn to listen to him and turn around. The younger man had reasoned with him, hell, he had almost begged for him to turn around, and all Hogan did was pulling rank. But when Charlie pointed out that airmen had died because of his pride, and would die if they did not turn around, he struck a nerve in Hogan and immediately pushed him into defence mode. He always considered himself to be the kind of leader that protects his men and makes sure that they were put at minimal risk. And yet again Charlie showed him that the image he had built of himself was not quite right.

Hogan sighed and drove with his hands across his face. Then he looked at his watch, seeing that he was already waiting ten minutes for Bennett. Just as he felt another wave of fury washing through his body, he heard footsteps approaching the room. When Bennett finally appeared in the room, Hogan rose to his feet and saluted.

Bennett returned the salute and walked past Hogan in his office. “Follow me, Colonel.”

Hogan stepped into Bennett’s office and closed the door behind him. “You wanted to see me, Air Commodore?”

“Yeah, I heard your mission was a success,” Bennett said as he sat down in his chair. “Glad to hear that Essen is without electricity now. That will halt the German war production for a bit.”

“I’m sure it will. However, we lost three of our bombers and who know how many fighters; so not quite that successful.”

Bennett stared at Hogan. “You hit your target; with that the mission was successful. You always lose some pilots. Sad, but that’s how it is. Only important thing is that the German have to stop their production of Tiger tanks for a while.”

Hogan returned Bennett’s stare, shocked at the lack of remorse for their lost pilots. He knew from Charlie that Bennett only cared about the targets and not about the men they lost on the way, but actually hearing the indifference made Hogan all the more angry. But he decided to swallow his anger down and bit his tongue. “Was that all, Air Commodore? I would like to see how Captain Stewart is doing.”

“Yeah, you can go, Colonel,” Bennett said without showing any intention to ask about Charlie. It enraged Hogan even more, but just like before, he decided to swallow his anger. He saluted and quickly left the room, heading for the infirmary.

~HHHHHH~

Hogan had made his way across the tarmac in record time. As he stepped in the infirmary, he was greeted with light moans coming from behind a white curtain; and his ears identified those moans as belonging to his second-in-command. He crossed the room with brisk steps and pushed the curtain aside, seeing how the infirmary doctor worked on Charlie’s wound as well as a lot of red-coloured bandages lying on the floor.

“How does it look, Doctor?” asked Hogan.

“Not as worse as I first thought,” the doctor, whose name was Wilcox, said. “The bullet hit no major veins or any important organs. But it did enough damage though.”

Wilcox went back to whatever he was doing, which elicited another groan from Charlie and made him writhe. Hogan moved to the bed and placed a hand on the younger man’s shoulder. “I’m here, Charlie.” He shot a glance at Wilcox and asked, “Haven’t you given him any painkillers or why is he groaning so much?”

“I offered, but he refused,” Wilcox said without averting his gaze from Charlie’s wound.

Hogan looked at Charlie and asked, “Why don’t you want to take any painkillers? They would make the pain go.”

“Only for…a short time,” Charlie answered. “I’m fine. Don’t worry…about me.”

Hogan gave him a soft smile. “You’re my best friend, Charlie. I will always worry about you.”

After Wilcox managed to remove the bullet and stop the bleeding, he stitched the wound up and wrapped a bandage around it. Then he turned to his patient and said, “You’re confined to bed for the next week. This should be enough time for everything to heal.” He looked at his patient’s friend and asked, “Could you help me bring him to one of the beds.”

Hogan nodded and was about to help Charlie up when the younger man exclaimed, “Oh no, doctor! I’m going to my room.” He pushed himself up and sat up with his legs hanging from the bed when he had to stop and close his eyes as a wave of pain washed through his body.

“Captain, I really think it would be better if you stay here,” Wilcox tried to reason.

“You said the injury was only minor, didn’t you?” Wilcox nodded and Charlie said, “Well, then I can spend the rest of the week in **my** bed.” He looked at Hogan and asked, “Would you help me, Rob?”

Hogan bid his bottom lip and looked at Wilcox. “You think this is a good idea, Doc?”

“Well, like the captain pointed out, his wound is minor. And I don’t see any reason for the wound to re-open if he stays in bed like I have ordered. If you make sure he stays reclined, he can stay in his room.”

A smile flashed across Charlie’s tired features. “I promise you, Doc, I will stay in bed.”

Wilcox took Hogan’s black leather belt from a rollable table next to the bed and stretched it out to the standing man. “Here, Colonel. Captain Stewart said it belongs to you.” Hogan took the belt while Wilcox said, “That was quick thinking, Sir. The compress prevented Captain Stewart from blacking out.” Then he turned to Charlie. “Alright, Captain. I will visit you in a week to remove the stitches. Until then, good recovery.”

Wilcox pushed the curtain aside and went away to check another patient over. All the while, Hogan slipped his arm around Charlie’s back and help him to his feet. Slowly and carefully, since the wound did hurt when Charlie moved, the pair made their way to their quarters to lie down after this eventful bombing raid.


	15. Chapter 15

With slow but steady progress, Hogan and Charlie eventually arrived at their room. Hogan opened the door and helped Charlie to sit down on his bed.

“I still think you should have stayed in the infirmary,” Hogan said.

“And try to sleep while Johnson is in the next bed, snoring like a walrus? No, thank you.” He smirked. “I rather stay here and listen to your light snoring.”

“I don’t snore!” Hogan exclaimed, faking to be hurt.

“Yes, you do.” A laugh escaped Charlie’s lips, which he instantly regretted as a stinging pain came from his stomach. “Ouch!”

“I think it’s best if you go to sleep now and rest.” Hogan took a hold of Charlie’s blood-stained shirt and said, “Let me help you dressing you in your pyjama.”

“If you help me strip down to my shorts, that will do for tonight,” Charlie said.

Hogan nodded and helped Charlie out of his clothes. Trying hard to avoid looking at Charlie’s incredible six-pack, Hogan pulled a blanket over him. “Here you go.”

Charlie smiled at him. “Thank you, Rob. For everything.”

“You’re welcome.”

Hogan went over to his closet and took his jacket off. Revealing his torn shirt which he had already forgotten about, he turned to Charlie and laughed, “I guess it would be useless to put this piece of fabric that used to be a shirt in my closet.”

“Yeah, I think the only thing you could do with that is using it as a cloth.”

Hogan took his shirt off and threw it in the rubbish bin next to the door. He pulled his pyjama shirt out of his closet and put it on, but stopped before he buttoned it up. Though the doctor had said that Charlie’s wound was not serious and that his XO could already joke again, the intense worry he had felt for the younger man came crashing down on him again. And it was not the kind of worry he would have felt if any of his other crew members had been hurt. No, it was the throat-constricting heart-racing-in-ones-ears kind of fear he had felt for Charlie. It had shown Hogan once again that his feelings for his XO were more than just amicable ones. And then there was this feeling of guilt for being responsible that Charlie was hurt. If he had just listened to him and blew the mission. Hogan sighed and closed his eyes, rubbing with his hands across his face.

“Everything alright, Rob?” he heard Charlie asking.

Hogan turned around and cracked a smile, prepared to shrug the younger man’s worry off. But when he caught sight of Charlie’s greenish-blue eyes, which were filled with worry, he decided against it. With his opened pyjama shirt, Hogan walked across the room and sat down on the edge of Charlie’s bed. “Not really.” He glanced down and said, “I wanted to apologize.”

Confusion spread across Charlie’s face. “For what?”

“For not listening to you.” Hogan rubbed with his right hand over his neck. “You were right, Charlie. I was too proud to turn around, wanting to impress Bennett. But now I realize that it was not worth it. I was with Bennett earlier, and he did not care one bit about the man we have lost today.” Hogan stopped a moment before he continued, “He did not care about you. And my stubbornness got you injured. I’m sorry, Charlie.”

Charlie gazed at Hogan’s downcast appearance, then he placed a hand on his CO’s thigh, unknowingly sending a shiver down Hogan’s spine. “You don’t have to apologize, Rob. I’m fine.”

“No, I have to. I’m a colonel; I should keep my men safe. Instead I put them at a greater risk just to prove myself to an arrogant bastard,” Hogan said in a raised voice.

“So what? You made a shitty decision; that happens. Next time, you are wiser and you know that it’s not worth to prove anything to Bennett.” Charlie squeezed Hogan’s thigh. “Don’t beat yourself up over this. You can’t change what has happened, but you can make sure it won’t happen again. And now, lighten up. I only have a scratch; nothing that would keep me down for a long time.”

Hogan looked at Charlie, the corners of his mouth raising into a small smile upon seeing the smile on the younger man’s face. Then he noticed that Charlie still had his hand on his thigh, and the guilt he felt was replaced by a hot desire for his XO. After his desire-filled mind registered that Charlie was lying in front of him only dressed in his shorts, Hogan felt his cock twitching in his brown trousers. He did not know what made him do what he did next, but just like the last time he was worried for Charlie during a rough bombing mission, Hogan leaned forward and placed his lips on Charlie’s.

Charlie was caught by surprise, and despite the horrible end of last time, he leaned into the kiss, placing one hand on Hogan’s shoulder blade and the other behind his head, burying his fingers in his thick black hair. Without breaking the kiss, Hogan stood up and laid down next to Charlie, partly covering him with his body, mindful of his bullet wound. He put one hand in his brown locks while he licked with his tongue over Charlie’s lips, wordlessly asking him to open his mouth. Charlie willingly complied and separated his lips, a muffled moan vibrating against Hogan’s lips when his tongue slipped into the other man’s mouth. After a sweet eternity, Hogan backed off, his tongue immediately licking around the outside of Charlie’s ear. Then he darted his tongue in his XO’s ear, making Charlie moan and clench the hand in Hogan’s hair to a fist. After nibbling at Charlie’s earlobe, with that eliciting another moan from the man underneath him, Hogan backed off and sat up on his knees. He smiled down at Charlie as he pushed his pyjama shirt from his shoulders while Charlie threw the blanket that covered him away.

With a bare torso, Hogan laid down again, placing a kiss on the sensitive skin of Charlie’s neck. Then he left the warm spot and began to lick down between the younger man’s pectorals, making a detour to the round birthmark at the top of his ribcage. Hogan lingered there for a while, licking over and gently nibbling at the mark. While he did that, Charlie’s mind began to spin upon the fire rushing through his veins. Fighting through the fog, he managed to slip his hands down to Hogan’s pants, his quick fingers unbuttoning and unzipping it without even looking at the trousers.

Feeling Charlie opening his pants was for Hogan the sign to continue his way down until he reached the white bandage. Skipping the bandage, he drove with his nose along the waistband of Charlie’s blue military-issued shorts before pushing them down. Hogan removed the shorts and threw them away, gazing in blue passion-filled eyes while he stepped out of his own pants, leaving them be on the ground. A smirk flashed across Hogan features as he knelt above Charlie’s crotch. But before he paid attention to his sensitive manhood, he put his face in the crook of where Charlie’s thigh connected to his pelvis and began to suck on the warm skin.

Feeling Hogan’s soft lips so close to the most vulnerable part on his body, Charlie had to draw in his breath. He felt the fire in his veins rushing into his loins, and when Hogan gently bid him, he felt his loins constricting upon the desire flooding into his manly part. His fast breathing and constricted abdominal muscles increased the throbbing from his bullet wound, but Charlie had no brain cell left to worry about that. His body, mind, and soul were now completely concentrating on the clever tongue that drove lightly over his heated skin until it reached the tip of his semi-hard cock. A frustrated groan left his lips when the tongue left again, only to turn into a pleasurable one when the tongue licked across his balls. The wet muscles travelled along his shaft, circled his head, and then the warmth of a mouth engulfed his manhood. The stimulating warmth moved up and down his member and made Charlie raise his pelvis slightly. Then he gently placed his left hand on Hogan’s head, leaving it rest there.

As Hogan sucked at the skin, he heard enjoyable moans coming from his XO that made him put even more effort into pleasuring Charlie. He began to nibble gently at the already visible mark his lips had left behind. When he removed his head, a smile crept on his face upon seeing the mark that no one else would ever see; only he and Charlie would know it was there. His eyes shifted from the mark to Charlie’s hard member and without hesitation, he leaned down to touch the head with his tongue. But he immediately left it to lick over Charlie’s testicles, then he moved up and slid the younger man’s cock in his mouth. The guttural moan that vibrated through his XO’s body filled his own body with a tingling warmth.

And then, Hogan felt Charlie’s hand on top of his head. He slowed his movement down but fought against his instinct to pull away. His fear of being restricted in his freedom kicked in, and he was just about to remove Charlie’s hand from his head when he realized something: the hand was doing nothing. It did not push his head down or fought against any movement he did. It did not restrict Hogan in his freedom, but rather just laid on his head, giving him another connection, a more emotional one, to the younger man he was pleasuring. So Hogan increased the speed of his movement again, which made Charlie groan loudly. Out of the corner of his eye, Hogan saw Charlie’s right hand lying on the mattress next to his body, and he moved his own left hand up until he reached the other man’s hand, placing his hand on top of his and giving it a light squeeze.

Charlie writhed under Hogan’s love-making, electric shocks emanating from his loins. Suddenly he felt a tenseness in his manhood and whispered, “Rob,” not being able to say anything more.

Though he felt more comfortable with sucking Charlie’s cock, Hogan was not yet ready to swallow. Therefore, he quickly removed his mouth and replaced it by his hand, stroking Charlie’s erection until he heard a hoarse cry and felt a sticky substance splashing into his palm. He wiped his hand on the blanket and plopped down next to Charlie, putting his arm across his chest.

When Charlie felt the release washing through his body, it was as if his brain was blown out of his head. He pressed his eyes shut and cried out in a husky tone. With his eyes still closed, Charlie took deep breaths to calm his racing heart. Then he felt an arm placed across his chest and a warm breath tickling his ear. Slowly, he opened his eyes and turned his head, seeing how Hogan looked at him.

A smile circled around Charlie’s lips and said, “That was amazing, Rob.”

“Huh,” Hogan answered. “How is your wound feeling?”

“It’s fine,” Charlie lied, not wanting Hogan to regret this steamy session. Truthfully, the painful throbbing had increased, but to him, it was totally worth it.

Charlie turned on his right sight, a painful groan leaving his lips. Hogan immediately placed his hand on his hips and asked in a worried tone, “Are you sure, Charlie? Doesn’t sound like it’s fine.”

Charlie put a hand on Hogan’s cheek and gently stroked it. “I’m fine. Trust me,” he whispered before placing his lips softly on his CO’s.

Hogan moved his hand from Charlie’s hips to the back of his head, stroking with his fingers through his almond brown locks. Charlie nibbled on his bottom lip, eliciting a groan from Hogan which he used to push his tongue in the older man’s mouth. He drove with his hand over Hogan’s back, feeling the muscles moving under his skin. His hand reached the waistband of Hogan’s shorts, and Charlie continued to his buttocks, giving it a little squeeze. Then his hand wandered to the front and slipped into the shorts, grabbing Hogan’s already hard member. Hogan moaned into his mouth as Charlie began to stroke him, tightening the hold of the other man’s locks. Charlie left his mouth and pecked his neck while he stroked Hogan faster, with that feeling Hogan’s quick breathing against his shoulder. When he felt Hogan tensing up, Charlie pressed his mouth against the other’s lips, swallowing a breathy whispered, “Charlie”.

Charlie pulled his hand out of Hogan’s shorts and backed off a bit to look at Hogan. The older man still had his hand buried in his XO’s hair, taking deep breaths while having his eyes closed. Charlie simply watched him regain his breath, enjoying to see Hogan in this peaceful state. He knew that there was probably trouble lying ahead since he was certain that Hogan had still not accepted this side of him, but he saved those thoughts for later. Now he just wanted to enjoy lying in his CO’s arms.

When Hogan’s mind was working again, he opened his eyes, seeing Charlie watching him. He let go of his locks and placed his hand on his back. Slightly blushing, he asked, “Have you watched me?”

“Only afterwards,” Charlie said, a smirk on his face. “You’re too beautiful to not be looked at.”

The red tone on Hogan’s cheeks intensified upon the compliment and he directed his eyes at Charlie’s chest. Now regret was filling his body upon sleeping with Charlie a second time despite having told him that it would never happen again. He had incredibly hurt him after the first time, and now he had to do it again.

His thoughts were interrupted by Charlie placing his forehead against his chest and snuggling closer, wrapping an arm around his waist. “Goodnight, Rob.”

Hogan looked down at the man in his arms and pulled him closer. He placed a kiss on his head and said, “Goodnight, Charlie.” Then he closed his eyes and quickly fell asleep, forgetting all about his regret.

After all, there was always tomorrow.  


	16. Chapter 16

Hogan was the first to wake up in the morning. He slowly opened his eyes and yawned, and the first thing he saw was Charlie’s wild brown locks. The other man was still sleeping peacefully against his chest, and at first, this sight sent a jolt of warmth through Hogan’s body. But then his mind drifted to the clash they had the last time after sleeping with each other, and his body immediately tensed up. Maybe he should just take a chance and see how things evolve between him and Charlie? He could not deny that he loved his second-in-command, and that he was the source of his happiness. But was he ready to let go of the image he had created of himself and accept that he was gay? Hogan felt a knot in his stomach and he knew he was not ready for that.

He lifted the blanket and tried to slip unobtrusively out of bed like the last time, but Charlie’s arm around his waist pulled him closer. “Is it already morning?” Charlie asked. He raised his glance and smiled warmly at Hogan. “Good morning, Rob.”

“Good morning, Charlie. I say it’s already morning; otherwise I can’t explain the light coming through the window.” Charlie stretched and turned on his back, a small groan leaving his lips. This made all traces of sleep vanish from Hogan as he instantly sat up in bed. “Is everything alright with the wound? Is it paining?”

Hearing Hogan’s concerned tone for his health sent a shiver down Charlie’s spine. He gabbed his CO’s hand and squeezed it slightly while saying, “I’m fine, Rob. Shifting stings a bit, but nothing you need to worry about.”

Hogan nodded and sighed in relief. Then the knot in his stomach returned as his gaze fell on Charlie’s hand holding his. With a lump in his throat, he stammered, “Charlie…because…because of last night…I mean –“

“It means nothing,” Charlie interrupted.

Hogan stared at him, a blank expression on his face. “I beg your pardon?”

“Rob, yesterday was amazing, but it changes nothing between us. Like you have said, you are not gay and I accept that.”

“But we slept with each other. Again,” Hogan pointed out.

“You eased the pain of a fellow comrade and friend. I don’t see anything wrong with that.” Charlie smiled at him again, his greenish blue eyes sparkling. “We’re only friends, Rob. That will never change.”

Hogan looked at him, astonished and unsure about his XO’s change in perception. “You mean, everything’s alright between us? No hatred because of what happened last night?”

“No hatred. I promise.”

The corners of Hogan’s mouth raised into a smile as relief washed through his body. He lifted the blanket and rose to his feet, grabbing his shorts from the ground and putting them on. Then he walked to his closet and said, “I will go to the Mess Hall and get us some breakfast. I don’t know about you, but I’m starving!”

“After our workout from yesterday? Definitely.”

Hogan found himself chuckling at Charlie’s remark. Knowing that Charlie and he were on the same page concerning last night took a load off his mind and made him feel at ease around his best friend. He had no idea what caused the sudden shift in Charlie’s opinion, but he decided to just take it without questioning. After he got dressed, Hogan left the room to get the food from the Mess Hall.

After the door closed, Charlie let out the breath he was holding as he drove with his hands through his locks. That was the hardest thing he had ever done in his entire life; even harder than deciding to not leave the base after his clash with Hogan about them sleeping with each other. Yet again he had decided to hurt himself a little to avoid even bigger ache. But with Hogan, it always came down to one thought: to live a life with Hogan by his side as a mere friend or to live a life without Hogan by his side. And for Charlie, the decision was painful but easy.

 Charlie sighed again and rubbed with his hands across his face. Then he looked around the room, nowhere spotting his clothes; only his blue shorts lay on the ground. He remembered that Hogan had helped him undress and that he had put the clothes in his locker. Charlie thought for a moment to get up to at least put his shorts on, but as he tried to sit up, the stinging ache from his bullet wound filled his whole body. So he lay back and decided to wait for Hogan to help him; if the other man could get him out of his clothes, he surely could help him back into them.

~HHHHHH~

Later that day, Hogan returned from a post-raid briefing meeting. After an air raid that involved multiple squadrons, all the squadron leader involved came together with Bennett to share information on how their part of the air raid went. Normally, it was just another meeting for Hogan, but since some of his bombers had been attached to other squadrons for diversion attacks, he had been rather eager for the meeting. But what he had learned at the meeting had made his blood run cold and now he was on his way back to his room, an unpleasant conversation lying ahead of him.

When Hogan arrived at his room, he hesitated to go in. He had no idea how to start the feared conversation; he already felt a lump in his throat only thinking about it. Oh man. He had thought breaking Charlie’s heart was hard, but what he was about to say to him was just as difficult. Hogan closed his eyes and took a breath. He had to get a hold on himself. Charlie needed to know, and if he would not tell him, Charlie would be furious with him once he found it out. So Hogan eventually opened the door with shaky hands and stepped into his room.

Charlie looked up from his book and greeted, “Hey, Rob!”

“Hey,” Hogan said as he went to his locker, putting his brown leather jacket in it.

“Have you seen Nicholas?”

“What?” Hogan asked as he spun around, his heart doing double-jumps.

“Have you seen Nicholas?” Charlie repeated. “I figured that by now, word got around that I was shot last night. It’s unusual for Nicholas to not have visited me by now; he’s always the first to see me if I’m hurt.”

Hogan looked into Charlie’s questioning face. His greenish blue eyes bore the exceptional sparkle he loved, and his face just radiated a basic sense of happiness. Normally, that is one of the reason Hogan felt himself drawn to his XO, but now, he hated it. How was he supposed to find the right words if Charlie was this darn happy? Who was he kidding? There were no right words.

Charlie sensed that something troubled Hogan and the smile vanished from his face. “Rob, is something wrong?” Hogan said nothing, but the sad glimmer in his eyes was answer enough for Charlie. “What happened, Rob?” he repeated in a serious tone while trying to sit up. Charlie moved too fast and had to stop, a painful groan leaving his lips.

“Charlie!” Hogan rushed to his XO’s bed and carefully helped him to sit up. “Doctor Wilcox said you should avoid too much or too fast movement.”

“Forget my wound, Rob. What’s wrong?”

Charlie’s blue eyes had lost their exceptional sparkle; now they were glazed over with a thick layer of worry, making the usual faint hint of grey in his eyes blossom. Hogan sighed as he sat down on the edge of the bed, rubbing with his hand over his neck. “You know that Ryan’s…Nicholas’ bomber was assigned to the diversion mission flown by Group Captain Lloyd’s squadron, don’t you?”

Charlie raised an eyebrow. “Yes?” he answered warily, his confirmation sounding more than a question.

Hogan took a deep breath and stared in Charlie’s eyes as he said, “Nicholas is MIA.”

All colour vanished from Charlie’s face. “What?” he breathed, his hand beginning to tremble.

“His bomber was shot down about four kilometres before their target.” Hogan casted his eyes down as he tried to gather the courage to tell Charlie the most terrible news. He caught sight of Charlie’s hand lying on top of his blanket, shaking like a lone leaf in the autumn breeze. Hogan covered it with his own hand and gave it a gentle squeeze before he said, “Apparently the Germans hit the fuel tank. The bomber exploded in the air; only three men made it out. But no one who had witnessed this could tell who of the crew made it out.”

Charlie stared at Hogan, his facial expression a mixture between disbelief and fear. The tremble that shook his body intensified and he moved his mouth to say something, but no words left his lips. Hogan squeezed Charlie’s hand again and stroked the back of his hand with his thumb in an effort to give Charlie something he could cling to. But he also tried to soothe his nerves. He hated to feel helpless; and watching how the man he secretly loved tried to comprehend that his best friend was missing made him feel nothing but helpless.

After minutes of watching Charlie trembling and staring at a blank spot in the room, Hogan softly asked, “Charlie?”

Without looking at Hogan, Charlie said, “He’s dead.”

“You don’t know that,” Hogan countered. “Three men have survived. There is a chance he belongs to them and currently tries to find his way back to England.”

Charlie shifted his gaze to Hogan. “Yeah, Rob, three! Three have survived; out of seven. This means there is an almost sixty percent chance Nicholas has died in this plane…in the explosion.”

Charlie’s trembling increased, though Hogan thought was not possible. He heard him murmur, “Nicholas is dead,” over and over again, and he could clearly see that tears were welling up in his XO. It hurt his heart to see Charlie in pain over not knowing what had happened to his friends, which was the worst kind of pain. Being in the dark over something made one think of all kinds of horrible scenarios, and Hogan could literally see the smoke coming from Charlie’s head as his brain thought about all those scenarios.

Not standing the sight of a devastated Charlie, Hogan slipped into bed next to him and wrapped his arms around his XO, pulling him close to him. With Charlie’s head on his shoulder, Hogan began to gently rock him. “Everything is going to be fine, Charlie,” he whispered. “We don’t know for certain what has happened to Nicholas; until we do, you should not think about his death.”

Charlie had grabbed the front of Hogan’s beige shirt, gripping it tightly. Minutes of silence went by in which Hogan continued to rock Charlie and rub over his back. Without lifting his head from Hogan’s shoulder, Charlie eventually croaked, “Nicholas was my first friend ever since I left Germany. Apart from you, he is the only one who knows about my Jewish heritage; I haven’t had the courage to tell him about my German one. You’re the only one I trusted with that.”

Despite the ache his heart felt for the fear his love felt, a warm jolt went through Hogan’s body. Charlie trusted him; and only him. So why could he not trust him that accepting his gay side was the right thing to do? Pride? Fear? A mixture of both?

Hogan pushed those thoughts down that threatened to destroy his focus on Charlie. The other man was in pain over the possible loss of his friend. He deserved Hogan’s full attention; he had enough time later to sort his feelings out.

The rest of the evening was spent in this position, Hogan holding Charlie close while the latter one had his head placed on the former one’s shoulder. Neither said anything while Hogan rocked him and drove with his hand up and down his back and sometimes through his wild brown locks. Eventually, Charlie fell asleep in Hogan’s arms. And instead of tugging him in and retreating to his own bed, Hogan stood up to change into his pyjama and returned to Charlie’s bed, lying down next to him and wrapping his arms around him again. Curled up next to the man he loved, Hogan slowly slipped into dreamland.

~HHHHHH~

One week later, Hogan found himself in the exact same position. But this time, Charlie was crying and sobbing in his arms. Minutes earlier, they had got note of three new prisoners of war for the German Reich. All belonged to Ryan’s bomber; however, his name was not one of them. So Hogan had broken the sorrowful news to Charlie that his friend, Flying Officer Nicholas John Ryan, had indeed been killed in action. First, Charlie said nothing. In fact, he did not react in any way. Then his friend’s death hit him with its full force and he put his head in his hands, weeping copiously. And just like the week earlier, Hogan slipped into bed next to Charlie and pulled him into a tight embrace.

After hours of crying, the sobs slowly quieted down. Once again, Hogan said, “I’m unbelievable sorry for you, Charlie.” He tenderly rubbed his back. “I wish I could take the pain away from you. I wish I could just turn back time and prevent Hitler from taking over control in Germany so that you could still live in your home country.” When he felt no reaction coming from the younger man in his arms, Hogan looked down and saw that Charlie had his eyes closed and breathed evenly. He brushed a wild curl from Charlie’s forehead and said, “I wish I could just accept my love for you.”


	17. Chapter 17

It had been two weeks since Ryan’s death. During that time, Charlie’s bullet wound had healed but not the wound in his heart that mourned the loss of his friend. For him, Ryan had not only been any friend; he had been his first friend since he and his family had to escape from Germany. The hatred Charlie had experienced in his home country made him wary of others, and for four years he had not engaged in a real friendship with people he knew. Of course he made some buddies in the Air Force, but he had kept silent about his Jewish belief and had not really opened up to them. But that changed when he transferred to the RAF to fight the Germans and met the young officer who was bullied by the others. Charlie felt himself reminded of the bullying he had to endure and immediately stepped in; the beginning of his friendship with Ryan. And over the course of the time, Charlie felt safe enough to tell him about him being Jewish. Not safe enough to tell him about his German heritage, but at least about his Jewish one. So loosing the one person that accepted him as who he was hurt tremendously.

If Charlie followed the old saying, “Always look on the bright side,” he had to admit that there was indeed one. Since Ryan’s death, he and Hogan were even closer than before. Since Hogan was the only one left who knew about him being Jewish **and** the only one knowing about him being German, Charlie felt even more drawn to him. The first week after Ryan’s death, he had cried himself to sleep every single night. The first night, Charlie laid with his back to Hogan as he cried into his pillow, the pain of loosing his best friend too much for his heart to bear. A few minutes after he had started crying, he heard Hogan leaving his bed. He figured the other man wanted to leave the room to evade his sobs, but suddenly, Charlie felt an arm wrapped around his back and a body pressed against his back. First he was completely astonished, but feeling Hogan’s body against his comforted him, and slowly his sobs died down. They stayed the whole night like this for as long as he had cried himself to sleep. Neither mentioned it in the morning when they woke up, but there was a silent understanding between them. And it made Charlie’s heart flutter even more every time he looked at his CO; looking into his chocolate brown eyes or seeing a cocky smile circling around his lips or feeling an arm draped around his shoulder.

As Charlie had somehow coped with Ryan’s death, he returned to his observant self, which immediately noticed that Hogan was stressed. The last bombing raids costed a lot of good men’s life, and he had to incorporate new airmen in a well-practised team. This meant he had to handle inexperienced men who tried to fit in and mourning men who felt like the new airmen were trying to replace their friends. This led to constant clashes and fights among his men under which the spirit and discipline suffered. Every night, Hogan returned with a headache to bed or stayed up all night to figure out how to form his men into a winning team again. Charlie watched him silently, his heart aching upon seeing how the rings under Hogan’s eye grew bigger with every sleepless night or how his CO’s head and back pained him because of the stress. Additionally to his problem with his quarrelling squadron, Air Commodore Bennet grew impatient with his rather unsuccessful bombing raids and urged Hogan to get a hold of his men.

After watching some of the men on kitchen duty as a punishment for starting a fight, Charlie went into the Officer’s Club for a round of pool. As he ordered a beer from the bar, Flight Lieutenant Parker called him over for a game. He was the XO of another squadron and one of the few people still willing to play pool with Charlie despite knowing about his excellent skills.

Charlie started the round and after sinking two shots, he stepped away from the table after missing the third one. Parker took his position at the table and aimed for the back-right pocket.

“How’s the mood among your squadron?” Parker asked as he hit the white ball, watching how he sank his shot.

“Saying it’s tensed would be an understatement,” Charlie answered. “We lost some good men and their friends have a hard time accepting the newbies. Your squadron?”

Parker missed his next shot and sighed as he looked at Charlie. “The same. Training with them or being on an actual bombing raid is like a shark tank. I just wait until someone really explodes; then we can call up a court-martial, believe me.”

“I fear the same. Colonel Hogan is really stressed because of some particular troublemakers.” Charlie stepped closer to the table. “I only hope they get a hold of themselves. We’re fighting a war against the worst threat of the last decades. We don’t need a war among ourselves.”

“Yeah, but how do you get men who hate each other to work together?” Parker asked.

Charlie thought about the question as he missed his shot. He noticed that a crowd had formed around them; his squadron members groaned while Parker’s slightly cheered. This gave Charlie an idea and he beamed at Parker. “I think I just came up with a solution.”

“What is it?” Parker questioned.

“What’s better to get quarrelling squadron members to work together than let them compete for their honour against other squadrons?”

Parker’s lips circled into a smile. “I think I get your drift. Charlie Stewart, you are really a genius.”

~HHHHHH~

After winning the game against Parker, Charlie retreated to his room. As he stepped into the room, he saw Hogan sitting at the table in the middle of the room. He was looking at a record in front of him while massaging his right temple with his fingers, his face showing the pain he was feeling.

Charlie went to his locker and put his jacket in it. “It’s 11 pm, Rob. I think you should take a break from dealing with the airmen.”

“I can’t take a break from it. I’m the CO; I have to find a way to make them stop fighting,” Hogan answered.

“Working yourself into stress is not helping,” Charlie said. “And the headache you are experiencing almost constantly is agreeing with me.”

Hogan looked up from the file and snorted. “Well, perhaps you can enlighten me with an idea?”

Charlie smirked. “I can.” He walked to the table and sat down next to Hogan. “I was playing pool with Flight Lieutenant Parker, the XO of Group Captain Owen. He told me that they have the same problem. While I observed the crowd gathered around us, I got an idea and we discussed what to do.”

“And what have you come up with?” Hogan asked.

“You know, the underlying issue of all the fights and clashes are that the airmen don’t trust each other. The senior airmen mourn their late friends that they could trust blindly; they knew that they could trust their friends with their lives. That’s what they are missing with the new ones. And the newbies try to impress us with working extra hard, which the seniors take as the newbie’s attempt to be better than their dead friends. And because of the seniors’ anger towards the new airmen, the newbies don’t trust the seniors. So we need to build up the trust among the squadrons,” Charlie pointed out.

“I’m listening.”

“So Parker and I came up with a solution. How about organising a soccer tournament among the squadrons? Fighter and bomber squadrons alike? The prize is a seven-day pass for each squadron member. And since one squadron could easily provide about eleven soccer teams, they always have to rotate. And there must always be half newbies and half seniors. Every airman seeks to have a pass, and if seniors and newbies achieve it together, the morale and trust might be strengthened,” Charlie explained. “What do you say?”

Hogan smiled. “Sounds like a marvellous plan. I will meet with the other squadron leaders tomorrow and bring it up.”

Charlie flashed him a big smile and closed the file, pushing it away from Hogan. “And now think about something else or your headache and backpain will only get worse.”

Hogan groaned and drove with his hands over his face. “Easier said than done. We don’t know for certain if your plan is going to work, and then there is Bennett who is on my tail.”

“Forget him,” Charlie said. “He’s an idiot who only cares about numbers and has never been a fighting soldier in a war. He has no idea what it means to lose a comrade; or dozens of comrades.”

Hogan looked at Charlie, sensing that Charlie might act like he is over Ryan’s death, but deep inside he is still grieving for his friend.

“My plan is going to work because it’s about the honour of the squadrons. And a soldier likes nothing better than beating another squadron. Besides, they will compete for passes. That’s incentive enough to make them work together.”

Charlie watched how Hogan nodded while he leaned back in his chair, groaning as he went back to massaging his temples. Charlie hated to see him in pain and he wanted his CO to flash him one of his cocky smiles again. He did not want to be greeted in the morning with a worn out and sunken face.

“Lie down on your bed,” Charlie ordered.

Hogan gave him a quizzical look. “What?”

“I said, lie down in your bed,” Charlie repeated as he rose to his feet.

Confused over his XO’s order, Hogan gazed at him for a moment before eventually complying. He was already feeling miserable; whatever Charlie had in mind could only make him feel better. Hogan went to his bed and lied down on his back, watching how Charlie kicked off his shoes and kneeled down on the foot of his bed. His XO flashed him a quick smile before his hands moved to his belt buckle.

“What are you doing?” Hogan exclaimed, immediately putting his hands on Charlie’s to remove them.

“I’m helping a friend to relieve stress. And the best way to relieve stress is letting yourself go.”

“But Charlie –“

“Don’t worry, Rob,” Charlie interrupted. “It’s only a friendly gesture. Nothing more to it.”

He put Hogan’s hands next to his body and went back to unbuckling his black leather belt. Then he unbuttoned his fly and pulled his pants down, his shorts following suit. Charlie casted a quick look at Hogan, seeing how the older man had closed his eyes and had leaned back against the wall. His lips circled into a smile as he moved down to Hogan’s crotch, lightly driving with his fingertips over his cock. Then he took his manhood in his hand and began to stroke it a few times before letting go of it again to stroke and gently squeeze his balls. Charlie heard Hogan’s low moans as his member twitched and slowly came to life under his caress. He drove with his thumb over the already moist tip and continued to rub it in a circular motion. Then Charlie leaned down and began to lick along the shaft of Hogan’s hardening penis. He made a detour to suck on his balls, eliciting a sharp breath from his CO. When Hogan’s cock was hard enough, Charlie took it in his mouth. As he bobbed up and down, he felt Hogan’s hands in his hair, burying his fingers in his brown locks. He switched between going down on him and licking the tip, hoping to create enough lust so that when Hogan came, the release would wash away the stress and pain he had felt the last days. When Hogan was getting closer to the edge, Charlie felt him pushing down his head in a fast rhythm while hearing groans and moans coming from his CO. Charlie followed his handling and quickly bobbed up and down over his cock, eventually taking him to the root. Again, it was enough to make Hogan come in a shudder. He splashed his cum into his XO’s mouth, and Charlie quickly swallowed. He removed his mouth, but continued to lick along the softening shaft for a few more minutes.

As Charlie sat up and looked at Hogan, he saw him breathing heavily with his eyes pressed shut. “How are you feeling now?” he asked.

Still panting, Hogan managed to open his eyes and crack a smile. “Really good. Thank you, Charlie. I already feel much more relaxed.”

“That’s good to hear.” He rose to his feet and went back to his locker, undressing and putting his clothes in it. Charlie pulled on his pyjama and laid down in his own bed.

Hogan turned to face him and said, “Really, Charlie. Thank you very much.”

“No need to thank me. That’s what friends are for.”


End file.
